um...well..wow

I'm in this weird state of "I don't know what I am even thinking in my own mind let alone know what to do" about things going on. One minute happy, the next devastated. Trusting and loyal at times, then completely shut down and paranoid. I always run to something I feel is sturdy, stable, my rock I can 'hold' on to. I find it in many sources and different ways. As I lose one I will gain another or at least I hope. 

I have been clinging to a couple very much lately. One I know now that I lost for good and therefore have been relying heavily on another. I haven't been able to 'access' it though and the more time that passes the more obsessed I get. When I finally do get the chance of course I am over joyed. Then...something happens...my perspective is changed...now I don't know if it's my rock...I don't know what I have anymore. One little thought, comment, action sends me spiraling into a world of doubt.

Enjoy what we do have in this life. Throw caution and doubt to the winds to just be free for once. I can't say I am deeply hurt, maybe just slightly wounded. It stung a bit, but I can move past it. So again I sit here wondering, "what am I doing..."