Nothing is the same...

A lot has changed in the time since I wrote last. I have a new job working at the local newspaper, I own my home (even if it maqy be crappy), and I have been with Joe now for 3 years. I would say things are going great, but I still have my panic attacks. I had a heck of a time trying to log into this site just to write a new post. Maybe that's why I avoided it for so long. What a pain! I don't have much to post so this is it for now. I will think of something later to type...

hello stranger

Wow it has been quite a while. Been going through a lot lately and have failed to find time to come back to this. After having a crap-tastic day I wanted some humor. Revisiting some old pages made me laugh, good stuff (not to toot my own horn). However, I want to remain a little more bloggy and little less diary on here, so back to a story about work...

It all started long, long ago, in a distant store...well not really. It has been the past few weeks and sadly I can see the place from my patio door. :( So depressing to live so close to work, but moving on. We have a frequent visitor to the store these days, won't name any names, we'll just call him "Bottles". So anyway, Bottles visits several times a day bringing, you guessed it, bottles to the service desk. Now when machines are down this is no big deal, we count them and make out a slip. The machines are in fact working however he picks these things out of trash cans and who knows where, they are covered in god knows what and mostly are crushed. Oh, not to mention our store doesn't sell them so we cannot take them back for deposit. We didn't sell a deposit, we don't pay a deposit, simple enough.

As inconvenient as this is, for some reason he will chose me over anybody else to count and sort them. Why? Because everybody is too picky and won't give him money for something somebody else purchased and not from where I work. Yet, I deny the ones we can't take like anybody else and usual get cussed at within 5 minutes of talking to Bottles. Why does he chose me if he wants to bitch about me while doing so? Pick anybody else to deny ya buddy, they have no problem telling ya no just like me. This wasn't very funny now was it...hmm...sucky. I was hoping for a fun work post, then again work isn't all humor. Ta ta for now!

hell hath no fury...

Well here comes a bitch fest on my blog. I'm sorry, but I need to vent. So keep in mind there will be swearing and most likely non sense to follow. Hey it's my blog and I can use it how I see fit!

I know the past is the past. Things should be forgotten, people move on, and mostly you can't change it one dam bit. Sometimes though it doesn't stop it from hurting the present. I want my opinions, my thoughts, my feelings to account for something. All I can think is that this is karma or some payback by way of the world for what I have done. What things am I being punished for? Who can really say, but there are a few occasions I don't like to own up to what I've done. That is how I will justify this...I deserve to feel this way.

I deserve to have my feelings considered as second. I deserve to be heart broken at times only to have to hide it. I deserve to feel the same sadness fall over me just to sit in silence. No one should hear my cries or pleas. I should just accept my fate. So let this be my last...letting it all out to be never heard again.

They flirt with you, they smile at you, and you say you never know. You've been with this and been with that, but I shouldn't worry. It's fine if they act this way, after all they are your friends, I'm just your girlfriend. I should play nice and be polite, even if I feel uncomfortable.

CAUTION

As soon as I got to work I was assigned a task I'd rather not have to repeat. Being that I've done this several times before however, I'll assume it will keep getting 'offered' to me. I had to go into the lobbies and tape down mats so nobody trips over them. It doesn't usually take too long, but the trick is not time management. The thing to worry about are the customers who run you over. I figured I solved this problem by closing down the doors only one side of the lobby at a time. Here's how that went...

I flipped the power to off on the enter side first, but I made sure to put a caution cone right smack in the middle of the door on both sides. This would warn people I am working here and that the doors were not open on this particular side. This soon created confusion when customer after customer would walk up to the door and just stop as they waited for it to open. A few would stand there a minute or two. Others would walk face first into the doors and bounce off, I rather did enjoy those moments. Some customers would tap or knock on the door as if to tell me something was wrong with it as I was working right in front of it. This clearly wasn't working and reminded me of how when a fly gets trapped inside, you must offer it a very obvious way out.

I went to the opposite side of the lobby, flipped the switch to manual open and cut the power. Now it would stay open for all to see. This door I was working on had caution cones and was closed. The other side was wide open with no signs in sight. This was working...until I switched to the exit side door.

Now I had already reversed things. The entrance doors were now wide open and the exit door closed. People were just walking around the cones (and me kneeling on the floor) and stood at the closed doors trying to get out. I thought maybe this wasn't obvious enough. So I pulled the remaining mats to be laid down and threw them down in front of the doors. Customers started walking around the cones and jumping the mats to get out, only to find a locked door. I needed to up my game a bit.

I barricaded the exit side with carts. Lined them all up, had rolled mats laying down, had caution cones, and I was kneeling in front of the door taping these suckers down. I wanted to face palm myself into a coma when I saw customers push their carts through the carts and complain how all this crap was in the way. One lady made it all the way to the door and seeing that it wasn't opening, just shoved her cart through popping both doors out.

I fixed the doors and laid down some tape fast, and crapily I may add, just to get the hell outta there. Job was done, I stood up and brushed the dirt off my pants. Timely as ever, someone comes out and tells me to do the other lobby as well. Folks...today was some kind of special I tell you what.

oh no you didn't

I've been playing some music while I write tonight and this song comes on "oh no you didn't" by Wojahn Brothers. Very catchy tune and also a theme song to a game, but anyway, it made me think of times I have uttered that phrase at work. Here's a few examples:

1. Throw stuff on the belt then tell me you have no money

             *oh no you didn't*

2. Tell me to bag faster, then say I'm not bagging neat enough

             *oh no you didn't*

3. Tell me you want less bags and yet insist I double/triple bag everything

             *oh no you didn't*

4. Argue with your friends over who pays

             *oh no you didn't*

5. Tell me you'll come back later to talk to someone else because I denied you

             *oh no you didn't*

6. Hand me money, come up short, then argue that I did it somehow

             *oh no you didn't*

7. Tell me to cash your check, refuse to enter social security number

             *oh no you didn't*

8. Yelling for management the second I tell you something is a no-go

             *oh no you didn't*

9. Kid is about to fall out of cart, ask them to have their kid sit back down...tells me to mind my own business

             *oh no you didn't*

10. Ask if I want a full body massage -_-

             *oh no you didn't* (or more like "WTF")

I'd do anything...but I won't do that

Now I hear all the time about how the lines are so long at the store. People always bark at us to open more registers. Look people, I’m a cashier. Does it say "manager" anywhere on my badge? No? Well then guess what, I have no power what so ever. I scan your items and pack them in a bag. You hand me money. That is the extent of my capabilities. Well I am capable of doing more, lets not sell us cashiers short. This is the extent of what we are ALLOWED to do. Anyway, considering how I was red lining while I saw people waiting in lines a few registers away, I tried to flag some people in. Suddenly I hear a supervisor being called over to a woman, she wants to know why there are not more lanes open and tells her that she should just hop on to serve her. That’s not how it works lady, wait in line like everyone else. Better yet, I am doing absolutely nothing so go through MY EMPTY lane.

I wave her down and say I have no waiting. What does she do? “I am NOT walking all the way over there. I have things to do and I am not wasting anymore time in these ridiculous lines. I should not have to walk down there to a different register”. So let me get this straight, you want more registers, but they have to all be shoved in one corner so you don’t have to walk a few yards away? So everybody else on the other side of the store must walk even farther to the one side being serviced? I was in the middle. It was fair to everyone. This bitch was just lazy. Fuck you lady, lines are open, you just wanna be special. Sure enough the supervisor jumped on a register and helped her -_- Don’t bitch about lines just because you don’t want to walk down to an open one.

~*it's magic*~

Nothing I love more than customers who think they are outsmarting the system. Oh yes plenty try and fail miserably, yet it is amusing enough to banter. My favorite is when they bring something in and I tell them the item is past its return date. We give you people 90 days on most merchandise...this should be sufficient enough to decide whether or not you want to keep that dam $25 blender. Anyway, they usually have the sad puppy look like, "aw really?? <sniffles>" and management comes up and overrides it for them. This works and if you're polite about it I don't always mind this. Now...when you ask me, "What if I never showed you the receipt? How would you know?." Correct, I wouldn't know, but you did just show it to me. So next it's, "What if I just rip this up? No receipt, so then what? Ha!" Except I just read the date and handed it back to you, go ahead and rip it up. "So I can just come back later without the receipt and get my money when you're not here!" Well see I inform people you plan on doing this, I write it in the communication log, and then I leave a note posted right at the desk. Not to mention depending on item and policy...you may not even see cash back, could be store credit. So try as you may, you're not getting cash from me or anybody else at this desk. Yet these people are still focused on hiding the dam receipt. Like it's a magic trick I'm suppose to be shocked with...and it disappears..."ooooooo". Better luck next time chump. Keep the receipt, watch the date, and make up your mind on products sometime sooner than 3 months later.

Listen up

Today is already a crappy day and you customers sure know how to ice the dam cake. I'm trying to bag this couples food when their kid starts spinning to bags. He says he's helping but stuff is now falling off the thing and I can't get anymore in bags. I had enough by this point and was literally tossing items at bags. "That one missed, so did that one, oh look one actually made it". Not once did they try to stop this kid. I gave up.

And for people talking shit about my boyfriend to my face...did you really think that would fly? The world has gone mad...people are insanely stupid.

To Bag or Not To Bag

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog, but yet again I found inspiration today I could not ignore. I find it quite amusing to ask a simple question everyday at work, “did you want your milk in a bag?” Now there are plenty of people who answer quick enough “yup” or “nope”. These people don’t make this question amusing. The following people do however…

1. The Thinker: This is the person who looks as if you just asked them what the meaning of life is. It is almost unbearable to watch the distortion on their faces. You can literally see them thinking it through. Looks rather painful if you ask me, I just want an answer already. Move it along Einstein.
2. It’s Up To You: This person has just had it with making their own decisions in life. They want you to figure it out and just do it how you see fit. However, this doesn’t lead to much fun. I usually reply with, “Well it really is up to you, did you want it bagged or no?”. This often leads back to number one on the list : )
3. The Absurd: I do not know why some people are this passionate about the question, yet here they are. I ask and they reply as if I asked them whether or not they want me to defecate on their front lawn. “No bag, its got a handle for a reason!”. The look on their face says they are appalled I asked such a question. These people must be mental in some way. Bipolar, yeah that’s it.
4. Bomb Squad: Now you ask a question and they answer (or try to answer) as if they have 20 seconds to defuse a bomb blindfolded while do cartwheels. They either go back and forth, “Yes a bag in case it leaks, well no I don’t want more bags, but the car is messy and don’t need it on the milk, but the bag will rip anyway, but it will make it easier to carry...”etc. It’s like they are arguing with themselves all while looking panicked to give me an answer in time. These have to be one of my favorite.
5. The Rationalists: These people can give me an answer quick enough and stick to it, but they feel the need to inform me as to why it should be that way…for all milks apparently. “No bag for me, it has a handle and that is why it was put there…”etc. “Yes a bag so it won’t leak and is easier to carry…”etc. They then continue the rest of the order informing me of proper milk bagging or lack there of. These people seem obsessive…the most annoying I think.

it's been a while...

...where should I begin. Waiting for things to go back to normal. For the past 3 weeks it feels like my life has been turned upside down. I don't even feel like me anymore. Part of me likes this and thinks it's a good thing. I can finally relax and be me. No pretending or trying to be perfect in the eyes of others. I am who I am, and I do, well, what I do. Simple as that. Now I'm not saying I've been going wild, getting plastered, and swinging from chandeliers. I'm just saying I can act as I normally would without giving thought to others judging me. This has made me quite happy. On the other hand, some people have not liked this. They say I've changed or do not take them into consideration. Sorry to say this is just me coming out to play for a bit. By the end of the week things will go back to normal and once again I will be shut away. For how long, who knows...

who? what? where? how? why?

In the past week or so, some stuff has been happening. I have lost friends, hurt those close to me, in debt beyond belief, angry/crying, and somehow with all this happening I find myself staying with friends. I may not have moved in, but I have been here 2 nights now. I have been hanging here almost everyday. I find it odd at times, thinking at any minute they will turn. Not that I think bad of them, just that after so much shit I figure the usual will happen. They will turn me out just as fast as they brought me in.

So much time has passed though, and they still want me around? lol...I'm afraid to slip up. After making such unbelievable friends I want to try to earn their friendship more than ever. It's weird how one week you feel so alone, then in a blink of an eye you feel like family. :) Because of these people I am truly happier than I have been in a long time. For that I thank them.

turning a new leaf...

i am in some serious debt i am trying to turn around. these are mostly credit cards, stupid i know. i stayed up all night coming up with a payment plan, a spreadsheet to keep tabs on it, and the all important "cutting of the cards" to make sure i no longer use them. wish me luck ya'll...this is day #1

f*cked up situation

"never trade trust for lust"...just found this song online, and it's crazy how the lyrics remind me of something...that line I began with says it all...

grenade

I bend over backward trying to show affection. I miss you, I love you, and I think of you often. I want to call you up to just see how your day is going and to simply hear your voice. It makes me feel close to you. I don't mind spending what little money I have on you, because you mean that much to me. I may think the gifts themselves are pointless since I have no use for them, but to you they mean something.

All I want in return is to be be loved and shown the same respect. Yet I get nothing...I fucking love flowers, do you hear me? Fucking love them!! How my day will turn around just to have a nice vase of flowers in my dam apartment. It cheers me up and reminds me that you are thinking of me. Instead I hear how pointless they are as a gift.

When I call it's as if you don't want to tie up the line and just get straight to the facts. You ever think I wanna talk to you for the sake of talking? How'd your day go? What ya doin today? How's the family? But no...it's cold, it's "what now?", as if you're not wanting to deal with my call.

Do you know how sad this makes me...how alone I feel...how everyday I think I pretty much have nothing...do you know how much it fucking hurts to love someone so deeply and to feel like nothing but a side note in your life...I would do anything for you...but I know you won't do the same...

i use to run to you...

...now i want to run from you. It's so odd how you once saw someone as that great person that could do no wrong. Then you get that sudden dose of reality. I don't really know how to act anymore around you. I can be nice, friendly, making jokes...and get nothing. I can ignore, be rude, or just be cold...and I don't even get anything negative. Nothing...no reaction, no emotion, no response...just nothing. Now I wonder what the hell did I ever do to you? Yet the fact is simple...I did NOTHING to you. You simply got bored with me and moved on just as quick.

How do you consider yourself so superior to simply throw people aside? Does that incredible logic of yours stop whenever it comes to common courtesy or other people's feelings? I cannot undo what I have seen, what I have heard, and what I now know...and for that I will never see you the same. I can try and lie to say it doesn't hurt. I'd say I merely brushed it off and moved on with my day. But ya know what...it does hurt, it fucking hurts almost everyday. The worst part is the fact I can't shut it off.

I know at times I can piss people off and offend them. I'll say things I don't mean and yes in my life I have done wrong to others. I can't say I'm perfect, nobody can obviously. But to play with others emotions/thoughts/life, so meaningless to you, can have a world of difference to them.

I can't really vent much on this subject other than what I just wrote...do you even think of me anymore? do you think of any of them anymore? I just wonder what goes on in that mind...or maybe I'd be too disgusted to want to know.

how are we friends...you dont even spare the time to tell me to get lost...

worst day of work...no details

Today I can't even describe the hurt. Not only does work fuck me over, but people that I thought had some decency turn out like the rest. I have let so many little things go that now they have all piled on me. I am sick of being lectured, coached, and wrote up. Somethings I should have fought and bitched about like so many others do. Instead I don't want to cause an issue. So I take the consequences regardless figuring it'll be at least over with.

I need my job, I truly do, but there comes a time when you need to stand up for yourself. I might get annoying at work, I may talk a lot, I may forget to take my tongue ring out (cuz heaven forbid some customer should see it <eyes roll>), but in no way am I a bad worker. I do it very well, in good time, and at one point I had no shame to say where I work. I did my work with pride knowing I provided for my family and did nothing shameful in the process. But I see how others work, stepping on all those around to get their way.

If I am this close to being fired over others' idiotic actions, then so be it...but I sure as hell won't go without having at least my last words in. It is others who gave me false information, if was others who literally took from my til just so they won't have a complaint, it was others who had me actually believe/trust in them...only for me to see they're just a kid on a power trip.

Its one word...one word!!

If customers tell me the screen is in spanish because the "espanol" button is showing, one more time, I'm gonna lose it!!! The rest of the screen is in english telling you to swipe your card, enter your pin, and do you want cash back. Sounds english to me. Bah people, Bah I say!!!

laws of the universe #1(LOU#1)

There are plenty of things I have seen over and over in my lifetime to say that it is a law of the universe. This is the first blog of this, hope to keep this going. Today's law:

If you are taken, they will come...

If you are single your life seems lonely. Nobody seems to care or want to be with you. It gets rather depressing very quickly. Then you meet someone, you start dating, and things are going good. That is when they strike. Suddenly men come pouring out of the woodworks that want you. Why? I recall being single quite a while there and not so much as a "hi lets hang out". Now you add a boyfriend to that equation and everybody and their cousin too wants in on ya.

Cruel universe...cruel...

stupid is as stupid does

It's a question that has been thought about since the dawn of man. Why? Seems simple enough right? Why anything? I have been trying to write a decent post for days and haven't had much 'inspiration'. However, several days at service desk has given me at least a little bit to rant about.

Why do people say they want to return their fish tank because of a faulty part yet sound completely confused when I say they need to bring it in to return it? Then ask me "I'd have to empty it then huh?" I hope to god you don't try to haul 30 gallons of water fully stocked with fish and decorations in here -_-

Why do people, who say their fish died and want a refund, offer to draw me what they look like rather than bring them in? Yes it is icky to keep dead fish, it's also bull to tell me to give you money for nothing, habeas corpus

Why do you think your TV suddenly shorted out or stopped working when it smells like your cat has died inside it? Do a head count on your cats you crazy cat people!

Why do you bring me a vacuum off the shelf to replace your broken one when you didn't even bring in the one you are trying to replace? Are you shittin me lady? Bring in the old, then we can give you the new, somebody missed their Wheaties this morning...

Why when I tell you that you purchased the item passed the 90 day return policy you rip up the receipt then ask "Now what? How do you know it's passed the 90 days?" -_- Because I just read it Einstein.

Why when I didn't hear you mumble the first time you just grunt the second time around? If I ask you to repeat it again will you squeal as you resort back to the man-bear-pig you are?

Why?! WHY YOU FLIPPIN TWAT, do you insist barking orders at me to get something done? I question you one time and you bark "MANAGER"? Fuck you cunt, go home and wash your ass for once, enough said.

Sorry a little anger on that one, need to go back to happy, um....Why are kittens fluffy? There, happy enough? Moving on...

Why when the reader doesn't catch your card and I ask to scan it on my side, you hold on to it for dear life like I am mugging you? By the way saying "no I've got it" and sliding it faster and faster won't make it work much better.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY why do you think the reader is in Spanish just because a small button in the corner says "Espanol"? The rest of the screen is already in English and clearly tells you what to do!!

over and over

i wrote this poem when i first split with my husband and tonight i feel this feeling flooding back:

i wanna scream
i wanna cry
i wanna drink
i wanna die...
stop the memories
stop the pain
just make it all
go away...
of course i lie
i say im fine
why go on
just wasting time...