To Bag or Not To Bag

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog, but yet again I found inspiration today I could not ignore. I find it quite amusing to ask a simple question everyday at work, “did you want your milk in a bag?” Now there are plenty of people who answer quick enough “yup” or “nope”. These people don’t make this question amusing. The following people do however…

1. The Thinker: This is the person who looks as if you just asked them what the meaning of life is. It is almost unbearable to watch the distortion on their faces. You can literally see them thinking it through. Looks rather painful if you ask me, I just want an answer already. Move it along Einstein.
2. It’s Up To You: This person has just had it with making their own decisions in life. They want you to figure it out and just do it how you see fit. However, this doesn’t lead to much fun. I usually reply with, “Well it really is up to you, did you want it bagged or no?”. This often leads back to number one on the list : )
3. The Absurd: I do not know why some people are this passionate about the question, yet here they are. I ask and they reply as if I asked them whether or not they want me to defecate on their front lawn. “No bag, its got a handle for a reason!”. The look on their face says they are appalled I asked such a question. These people must be mental in some way. Bipolar, yeah that’s it.
4. Bomb Squad: Now you ask a question and they answer (or try to answer) as if they have 20 seconds to defuse a bomb blindfolded while do cartwheels. They either go back and forth, “Yes a bag in case it leaks, well no I don’t want more bags, but the car is messy and don’t need it on the milk, but the bag will rip anyway, but it will make it easier to carry...”etc. It’s like they are arguing with themselves all while looking panicked to give me an answer in time. These have to be one of my favorite.
5. The Rationalists: These people can give me an answer quick enough and stick to it, but they feel the need to inform me as to why it should be that way…for all milks apparently. “No bag for me, it has a handle and that is why it was put there…”etc. “Yes a bag so it won’t leak and is easier to carry…”etc. They then continue the rest of the order informing me of proper milk bagging or lack there of. These people seem obsessive…the most annoying I think.

it's been a while...

...where should I begin. Waiting for things to go back to normal. For the past 3 weeks it feels like my life has been turned upside down. I don't even feel like me anymore. Part of me likes this and thinks it's a good thing. I can finally relax and be me. No pretending or trying to be perfect in the eyes of others. I am who I am, and I do, well, what I do. Simple as that. Now I'm not saying I've been going wild, getting plastered, and swinging from chandeliers. I'm just saying I can act as I normally would without giving thought to others judging me. This has made me quite happy. On the other hand, some people have not liked this. They say I've changed or do not take them into consideration. Sorry to say this is just me coming out to play for a bit. By the end of the week things will go back to normal and once again I will be shut away. For how long, who knows...

who? what? where? how? why?

In the past week or so, some stuff has been happening. I have lost friends, hurt those close to me, in debt beyond belief, angry/crying, and somehow with all this happening I find myself staying with friends. I may not have moved in, but I have been here 2 nights now. I have been hanging here almost everyday. I find it odd at times, thinking at any minute they will turn. Not that I think bad of them, just that after so much shit I figure the usual will happen. They will turn me out just as fast as they brought me in.

So much time has passed though, and they still want me around? lol...I'm afraid to slip up. After making such unbelievable friends I want to try to earn their friendship more than ever. It's weird how one week you feel so alone, then in a blink of an eye you feel like family. :) Because of these people I am truly happier than I have been in a long time. For that I thank them.

turning a new leaf...

i am in some serious debt i am trying to turn around. these are mostly credit cards, stupid i know. i stayed up all night coming up with a payment plan, a spreadsheet to keep tabs on it, and the all important "cutting of the cards" to make sure i no longer use them. wish me luck ya'll...this is day #1

f*cked up situation

"never trade trust for lust"...just found this song online, and it's crazy how the lyrics remind me of something...that line I began with says it all...

grenade

I bend over backward trying to show affection. I miss you, I love you, and I think of you often. I want to call you up to just see how your day is going and to simply hear your voice. It makes me feel close to you. I don't mind spending what little money I have on you, because you mean that much to me. I may think the gifts themselves are pointless since I have no use for them, but to you they mean something.

All I want in return is to be be loved and shown the same respect. Yet I get nothing...I fucking love flowers, do you hear me? Fucking love them!! How my day will turn around just to have a nice vase of flowers in my dam apartment. It cheers me up and reminds me that you are thinking of me. Instead I hear how pointless they are as a gift.

When I call it's as if you don't want to tie up the line and just get straight to the facts. You ever think I wanna talk to you for the sake of talking? How'd your day go? What ya doin today? How's the family? But no...it's cold, it's "what now?", as if you're not wanting to deal with my call.

Do you know how sad this makes me...how alone I feel...how everyday I think I pretty much have nothing...do you know how much it fucking hurts to love someone so deeply and to feel like nothing but a side note in your life...I would do anything for you...but I know you won't do the same...

i use to run to you...

...now i want to run from you. It's so odd how you once saw someone as that great person that could do no wrong. Then you get that sudden dose of reality. I don't really know how to act anymore around you. I can be nice, friendly, making jokes...and get nothing. I can ignore, be rude, or just be cold...and I don't even get anything negative. Nothing...no reaction, no emotion, no response...just nothing. Now I wonder what the hell did I ever do to you? Yet the fact is simple...I did NOTHING to you. You simply got bored with me and moved on just as quick.

How do you consider yourself so superior to simply throw people aside? Does that incredible logic of yours stop whenever it comes to common courtesy or other people's feelings? I cannot undo what I have seen, what I have heard, and what I now know...and for that I will never see you the same. I can try and lie to say it doesn't hurt. I'd say I merely brushed it off and moved on with my day. But ya know what...it does hurt, it fucking hurts almost everyday. The worst part is the fact I can't shut it off.

I know at times I can piss people off and offend them. I'll say things I don't mean and yes in my life I have done wrong to others. I can't say I'm perfect, nobody can obviously. But to play with others emotions/thoughts/life, so meaningless to you, can have a world of difference to them.

I can't really vent much on this subject other than what I just wrote...do you even think of me anymore? do you think of any of them anymore? I just wonder what goes on in that mind...or maybe I'd be too disgusted to want to know.

how are we friends...you dont even spare the time to tell me to get lost...

worst day of work...no details

Today I can't even describe the hurt. Not only does work fuck me over, but people that I thought had some decency turn out like the rest. I have let so many little things go that now they have all piled on me. I am sick of being lectured, coached, and wrote up. Somethings I should have fought and bitched about like so many others do. Instead I don't want to cause an issue. So I take the consequences regardless figuring it'll be at least over with.

I need my job, I truly do, but there comes a time when you need to stand up for yourself. I might get annoying at work, I may talk a lot, I may forget to take my tongue ring out (cuz heaven forbid some customer should see it <eyes roll>), but in no way am I a bad worker. I do it very well, in good time, and at one point I had no shame to say where I work. I did my work with pride knowing I provided for my family and did nothing shameful in the process. But I see how others work, stepping on all those around to get their way.

If I am this close to being fired over others' idiotic actions, then so be it...but I sure as hell won't go without having at least my last words in. It is others who gave me false information, if was others who literally took from my til just so they won't have a complaint, it was others who had me actually believe/trust in them...only for me to see they're just a kid on a power trip.

Its one word...one word!!

If customers tell me the screen is in spanish because the "espanol" button is showing, one more time, I'm gonna lose it!!! The rest of the screen is in english telling you to swipe your card, enter your pin, and do you want cash back. Sounds english to me. Bah people, Bah I say!!!

laws of the universe #1(LOU#1)

There are plenty of things I have seen over and over in my lifetime to say that it is a law of the universe. This is the first blog of this, hope to keep this going. Today's law:

If you are taken, they will come...

If you are single your life seems lonely. Nobody seems to care or want to be with you. It gets rather depressing very quickly. Then you meet someone, you start dating, and things are going good. That is when they strike. Suddenly men come pouring out of the woodworks that want you. Why? I recall being single quite a while there and not so much as a "hi lets hang out". Now you add a boyfriend to that equation and everybody and their cousin too wants in on ya.

Cruel universe...cruel...

stupid is as stupid does

It's a question that has been thought about since the dawn of man. Why? Seems simple enough right? Why anything? I have been trying to write a decent post for days and haven't had much 'inspiration'. However, several days at service desk has given me at least a little bit to rant about.

Why do people say they want to return their fish tank because of a faulty part yet sound completely confused when I say they need to bring it in to return it? Then ask me "I'd have to empty it then huh?" I hope to god you don't try to haul 30 gallons of water fully stocked with fish and decorations in here -_-

Why do people, who say their fish died and want a refund, offer to draw me what they look like rather than bring them in? Yes it is icky to keep dead fish, it's also bull to tell me to give you money for nothing, habeas corpus

Why do you think your TV suddenly shorted out or stopped working when it smells like your cat has died inside it? Do a head count on your cats you crazy cat people!

Why do you bring me a vacuum off the shelf to replace your broken one when you didn't even bring in the one you are trying to replace? Are you shittin me lady? Bring in the old, then we can give you the new, somebody missed their Wheaties this morning...

Why when I tell you that you purchased the item passed the 90 day return policy you rip up the receipt then ask "Now what? How do you know it's passed the 90 days?" -_- Because I just read it Einstein.

Why when I didn't hear you mumble the first time you just grunt the second time around? If I ask you to repeat it again will you squeal as you resort back to the man-bear-pig you are?

Why?! WHY YOU FLIPPIN TWAT, do you insist barking orders at me to get something done? I question you one time and you bark "MANAGER"? Fuck you cunt, go home and wash your ass for once, enough said.

Sorry a little anger on that one, need to go back to happy, um....Why are kittens fluffy? There, happy enough? Moving on...

Why when the reader doesn't catch your card and I ask to scan it on my side, you hold on to it for dear life like I am mugging you? By the way saying "no I've got it" and sliding it faster and faster won't make it work much better.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY why do you think the reader is in Spanish just because a small button in the corner says "Espanol"? The rest of the screen is already in English and clearly tells you what to do!!

over and over

i wrote this poem when i first split with my husband and tonight i feel this feeling flooding back:

i wanna scream
i wanna cry
i wanna drink
i wanna die...
stop the memories
stop the pain
just make it all
go away...
of course i lie
i say im fine
why go on
just wasting time...

cut my life into pieces

I know I don't always make the best choices, I know I am not the smartest person, and I know that at times it's hard to see things from a different point of view. However, one thing I do know is my past. I have always had a hard time dealing with great emotional stress, call it my weakness. Now many of you will not like this...but I would cut to deal. It's not a big secret, I have scars all over my arms. Some faded to the point you won't see them unless you look for them, while others are fresh and people assume I was mauled by a cat -_-

It is a part of me. I won't lie and I won't hide it, it's me. I know a few others like me and we definitely are there to support each other so we eventually don't need to do this anymore. I'm not bragging, seriously, this isn't cool and I know it. BUT, telling me I am stupid for doing it, calling me a dumbass, or trying to argue with me on all the ways it is wrong will only get one result: me pissed. That's like you crying because you are stressed and I tell you you're a big fucking baby and to get the hell over it. Yeah...it is...say it is not even close if you want. If you don't cut you don't get it, you never will.

I have never been rewarded for this behavior, whether someone thinks I have been "pampered" because of it. I have people who flat out refuse to have me in their life because of it, I accept that. Thinking I do this for attention is just asinine. "Look at me I cut myself!" seriously??? Nobody comes running to our rescue, we just ask that when we tell people this is what we do that they don't turn on us like everyone else. We only tell those we love or trust. And to have them judge us...is one of the lowest blows...

one step closer

I'm getting a divorce, I'm in debt that'll take years to pay off, 'my' dog is missing/dead, and a few other pieces of my personal life are falling apart all at once...

...I don't know how much more I can take

Pass the purex...

This morning I saw a news story how kids are now drinking hand sanitizer as a substitute for alcohol. They are showing up in hospitals all over the country. They say downing one of these bad boys has the equivalent of a shot of 140 proof.

I have several questions on this matter and I have a feeling I won't get a smart answer for any of them. Where are the parents that don't notice little Jimmy just went through 4 bottles of purex in a day, I doubt he's a clean freak?

The stuff smells horrid let alone tastes good. Who the hell thought this was yummy and a good idea. I guess they have recipes for it to make it tolerable. What do they mix in it their juice boxes or something? OMG the stupidity!!!

Do what we all grew up doing. Ask an older family member, make older friends, pay some old guy/woman, or just fucking grow up. Getting "drunk" is only cool when you're 16. When you actually become of age it's just sad and pathetic. Wait a couple years and you won't be so hard up for a buzz.

And why are you desperate for a high? What did someone steal your animal cookies? Did you miss your naptime? These kids leave me with no hope for the future and an utter disappointment in mankind.

(Sigh) Next thing ya know it'll be kept behind a counter cuz some idiots again decided to smoke/eat/drink somethin not intended for consumption. I might rant some more on this...

Not a challenge

I always ask how can things get worse. Apparently this has been accepted as some kind of challenge by the forces of the universe. Anytime I ask this it does indeed get worse.

I was bumming this morning for reasons that are way too long to explain. The one person I think would cheer me up then asks me what the hell happened now because I'm always depressed. Obviously this helped none with my mood.

I get to work and 10 minutes in I broke open a gallon of milk. I have OCD people telling me how to bag and they are using their filthy cat hair lined save the world bags as usual. These little things are adding up and I am so irritated.

bottom of the bottle

It's one of those dips in my mood again, and the roller coaster continues. I pull myself up, you can see it in my posts. I may be bitching, but you can see my humor in there. The last few posts just have my feeling of sadness in them. I can tell when I read them again.

I try different things each time around. Nothing seems to relieve it much. I tend to destroy myself a little in the process. All in the name of my sanity, eh? I just feel so torn lately. I feel one way and think another. I can rationally think something out, then dam emotions get in the way. They in turn change my mind...but the emotions become confused and tangled. I wish I could write exactly how I feel, but it's hard for me to describe.

Feels like a few good friends which I rely on strongly have faded. Sure I know they are there, but it's like they can't even touch me while I'm in this haze. Picture yourself in a very dimly lit room filled with smoke. You can just make out the people as they pass within feet of you. You reach out asking for help and they look up as if they think they might have heard something, but are not sure. So they keep going. I can literally picture it in my head how it feels. Kinda haunting in a way...awful dreary.

Why don't I find the excitement in life like others do? I often wonder this, why they seem so cheery. Just as a friend told me they don't understand how I can be 'down' all the time, I don't understand how they can be 'up' all the time.

Mind your own

Today has been an odd day in the store. It's busy, lines, people are in a hurry. So it's safe to say people are kinda moody and grouchy. And of course today seems to be crawling with creepers.

These creepers try anything from lame pick up lines to bribing you with alcohol at some party.
1. It's not working so stop
2. I'm legal age to drink, I don't need your creepy ass hookin me up with drinks
3. Please don't touch me under any circumstance

But seriously the bitchiness was at an all time high. My sister's kids were playing and yes getting a little loud. This is nothing new and compared to most they were mild. Yet this woman literally screamed at them to knock it the fuck off. Look lady, I deal with annoying kids all day, but under no right can you scream at other peoples' kids in the middle of the store.

I know we get the urge, but that's what blogging is for. Vent about it, push past it as just another day. I could not believe this woman. If I had been closer I would have yelled right back.

bad bad bad night

I did it, it's all my fault. I use to rationalize it anyway I could. There is no lying to myself...I am the reason for all this pain. I am the reason for so much shit happening in peoples' lives around me. If I had never did what I did things would be how they should be. I sit here crying...not knowing what to do. Either choice has its downfall, its rewards, its compromise.

People say the answer is simple enough, what makes you happy? The thing is I don't know. Sure I have a general idea. I want what most want: happiness, health, stability, love, and the usual. But the means to come about it are completely foreign to me. Do I stay as I am being content? Do I take a step back and try to fix what I once thought was un-fixable? Or do I take a new route never taken before?

It gets very overwhelming too fast and I'd rather put it out of my mind. That doesn't solve the problem, I just keep pushing it back. It surfaces now and then in violent unpredictable waves. One minute I am fine...the next I want to cry until I pass out.

Sometimes I wonder if I had stayed home instead of going that day how different things would be...

can I help you?

Anybody working the store knows this line well. Can I help you? It's the first thing we ask when you stand there looking lost or after several minutes of you staring at us. You expect us to read your mind, know exactly what you are asking, and what it is you are looking for. Being psychic was not a requirement to work here. We may need your assistance on this...use your words. Nothing too big, don't want you to hurt yourself.

A man walks up to service desk, the following starts with me:

"Good afternoon sir." He throws some hardware on the counter. "What can I do for ya?"...I get a blank stare. He shoves it toward me. "Are we returning or exchanging?"

"No."

This soon looks like a guessing game. After a round of 20 questions he was asking if we had anymore of them available, where to find them, and how much they are. Then he checks outs. To get all that information I had to ask single question after question to frickin get it out of him. Save us the time and just speak...most dogs can do so on command.

In soviet Russia...

Apparently they read my blog O_O

I haven't looked at stats since I started this blog. It was my own personal journal. Then I shared it with only a couple friends. I post it on my Facebook every so often, but again that is just friends. I check the stats today and it says its been viewed from Russia, Sweden, Brazil, Turkey, and a few other random countries. Just an interesting thought is all...after all this is pretty much my diary.

customers please

due to popular demand i will make a list for customers to 

follow at "the store":

1. if the "close" sign is out and light is off the lane IS CLOSED.

2. if we say "hello" and you ignore us, not because you're busy but because you're rude, we WILL crush your eggs and/or bread.

3. telling me i'm in a grouchy mood will not make me anymore friendlier to you (see end of 2 for results).

4. complaining about me is fine, because i will be complaining about you in the break room, fair is fair.

5. telling us you have MORE than 20 items does not make it ok to use express, thanks for the heads up that you can't read.

6. having the reusable bags are great for the earth yada yada, but please wash the cat hair out of them first before i put your food in them.

7. we have nothing to do with the scheduling and have no control over how many cash registers are open...yelling at us and calling us names does absolutely nothing to improve the situation.

8. It is NOT the cashiers fault that something is priced wrong.

9. when a check or card does not read it is NOT because we are stupid like you call us at that point, we'll just call it technical issues.

10. telling us that a competitor can do something better make us think "and why are you here?"...we'd be happy to give you directions to their location.

11. if we shut down just as you are walking up it was NOT INTENTIONAL to upset you, we did not spot you down the way and close up just to hear you cuss us out.

12. if you are talking on a phone we will not talk to you since you are in another conversation, don't call us rude or unfriendly.

13. if a item doesn't scan or it's missing a upc, saying "it must be free" isn't cute anymore, we hear it all too often. why would it be free?! how does this make sense!!??

14. control your kids...enough said.

15. we will gladly price match for you, just let us know before we are finished with your order!

16. I know it is getting pretty hot out there, but for crying out loud put clothes on that covers what we NEVER want to see!!

17. you can borow a pen no problem, but when we ask for it back don't act so clueless...just hand us the pen back and nobody gets hurt :)

18. if something is heavy, just leave it there we can come get it. otherwise we're both breaking our backs.

19. if you're not sure how to fill the check out GOOD NEWS, you don't even have to fill it out, hand us a blank one & you get it right back.

20. just because you are in a hurry does NOT give you permission to start slinging stuff past my scanner...let me do my job (and dont swicth the belt on and off for me, thats also my job).

21. pulling money out of your cleavage and handing it to us is just disgusting, have the decency to pull it out before approaching us at least.

22. when the register asks for an ID it is not an attempt for me to steal your idenity or find where you live...the dang computer needs it, dont fight it.

23. i don't know how some of you can ever get use to your own stench...but please hose yourself down before you enter the store...im tired of wanting to throw up anytime i breath when you're near.

24. it's winter out there...why are you wearing mini skirts and flip flops?! this just makes me think you're an idiot right off the bat.

25. we're pretty use to you hitting on us...it won't work...save both our times and stop before it gets creepy.

26. if you don't like the way i bag (i do take care to do it right btw) feel free to do it yourself, don't lecture me on how i'm doing it wrong and just stand there glaring at me.

27. if you want to speak to a manger we will gladly call one for you, no need to rant and rave at us which clearly solves nothing...this only prevents you from asking for us to call one up.

28. i know you're worried about watching prices ring up right, but for the love of all that is holy bring the cart up at least so we have somewhere for the bags to go, otherwise we are at a stand still...then you wonder why we aren't moving fast enough for you.

29. if you are late or in a hurry telling me to "shut up and do" my job will not get you out sooner...in fact i slow down :)

30. when you develope photos and on the ticket it says "pay for photos at the photo center", don't act so pissy when I tell you I can't ring them up front.

31. as I'm tryng to fill the bags you spin them away from me before they're full...hope you wanted a hundred bags more than needed.

32. we can't make change for you at our registers...it's just policy, no way we can help ya out...try service desk and stop ranting already.

33. we do NOT have every item memorized in the store nor can we recall any item's price off the top of our heads.

make up your mind

A man walks up with 4 reusable bags. He tells me to fill them up right up as full as I can get them. Apparently he underestimated my abilities to bag, because it all fit neatly in 1 bag. He then tells me he has 3 other bags I can use.  -_-  Sir did you want full or evenly distributed? So I unpack and spread them out among the remaining bags. They weren't even half full afterwards.

some things you don't know about me

or some that you do...I don't remember what I all tell people.

1. I HATE live versions of songs, they tweak em in a studio for a reason, they sound better. That and live versions always have fans screaming -_-

2. I am deathly afraid of spiders, like I almost ran into traffic before to avoid one.

3. My tastes in music range from Frank Sinatra and big swing bands all the way to Lamb of God and Korn, everything in between. There isn't much music I find that I won't listen to.

4. I can have a very dry and sometimes cruel sense of humor. I don't usually show the cruel side, but I don't even share an example for the fact I know I will offend.

5. I am allergic to cherries. It starts with a little puffiness...then full on scratchy swollen throat...ER anyone?

6. I often have bad anxiety which leads in severe cases to panic attacks. I don't remember how many times I have had one of these attacks to the point I will just pass out flat on the ground.

7. I am very indecisive, I will change my mind every few seconds-minutes on something.

8. I am a nice person (alright stop the laughing). I mean it, I'd do anything in the world for people. I can be one of the nicest people you will ever meet. Until you hurt me or are rude...then well...maybe I'm not so nice

9. I tend to start a hundred projects and never finish them. It takes a lot of my focus to just get it done. Think the only thing I have come close to completing all the way is school. Which brings me to...

10. I will graduate this year with an associates in business management and am going back right away to work on my bachelors. I hate school, why did I think this would be fun.

11. I took 3 years of German in school. I can read a decent amount and speak as much as I need to function. I am not fluent. But I still find it amusing to have a conversation not many can understand, everybody seems to take Spanish :P

12. I am strongly republican and I don't know why O_o

13. I love hunting, opening day of deer season might as well be a holiday for me.

14. I am a gamer, never have I gone without some kind of console. It started with original nintendo and almost every one since.

15. I have a daughter, Kaitlyn, she's almost 4 now.

16. Comedy is my absolute favorite thing. Movies, comedians, and anything else that makes me laugh.

can you feel the love tonight

Well no, not really. I am sitting alone and wide awake downstairs. I work in the morning again and should be getting tons of needed sleep. Instead I feel the weird need to just keep writing. I'm reflecting on the past few days and people have been bitchy as ever lately. I'm feeling lonely and down, gonna keep writing. I think I'm going to re-post something I wrote a while ago. Nobody is going to like it, but it just works for me alright...

i wanna scream

i wanna cry

i wanna drink

i wanna die...

stop the memories

stop the pain

just make it all

go away...

of course i lie

i say im fine

why go on

just wasting time...

all up in my business

This Easter week has been hell at the store. It has been so dam busy, non stop lines, and people are easily getting grouchy. Two days ago it was still this typical rush. I didn't mind so much, it makes the day go fast. Half way through my shift I get to these 2 black women. They are nice enough, asking how my day was and if I had plans for Easter. Of course there is a line behind them as I finish their order and they are just grabbing the last few bags. An elderly man (in the 80's I'd say) takes a few steps forward and leans over the card reader.

"Oh you can wait just like anybody else. Stand there givin me that look. You ain't got no where to be in that much of a hurry. Don't you be rushin me."

In his shaky old voice, "ma'am? pardon?"

"You heard me, givin me that look. You can just sit right back there where you were and wait. It's because of people like you holidays get ruined. Can't wait your own dam turn."

Still shaky as ever voice, "Excuse me ma'am I don't know what you're talking about? I'm just moving because I'm in pain"

The stupid woman keeps going on in a rant now about how he was rushing her out of the way and giving her "that look". Okay at this point lady I really AM giving you that look. He wasn't "up in your goodies". You are about to start a fight because you thought some old guy was crowding you?! This wasn't just a "you sure are rude mister". This was full on, "let me take my rings off, I'm gon beat grandpa's ass".

This old man sincerely had no idea what she was talking about. I told the women they were all set and to have a nice day, she walked away still bitching. I came straight back to the old man telling him  he was just fine and asked if he needed anything.

He said he was fine, but still didn't understand what went on. Said he simply had a bad leg, hence the cane, and had to take some steps to relieve the pain a bit. His wife asked me after the order if he had done something wrong she didn't notice. Told her he didn't do anything wrong. I apologized and truly wished them a better Easter.

People these days...

twist the truth til you feel better

I'm watching this episode of COPS and this chick is busted for her man having pot. He had it on his possession and she was in the car with him, knowing he had it. So according to that state she went to jail right along with him. Of course they do an interview...and she tries to rationalize it all to the police why she should be let go free and clear.

"I'm my own person, it wasn't on me. He can do whatever he wants to do with his life. That's up to him."

"But you told us you got in the car knowing he had it and was smoking it. It's still illegal, you knew about it, and you both were caught while he had it still on him."

"I don't make his decisions in life. Besides I want to be part of homeland security one day. Do you think I'd be doing that stuff?"

"Ma'am do you think Homeland Security would let people do that because it's their life and decisions to make? If you're going to do something like that you need to keep your background clean and getting arrested with people having drugs won't make that happen."

"I'm sure you being a cop don't have a clean background either. Look at what you people have done before and now you're pulling this on innocent people like me."

Listen here girly, your bitch ass knew it was on him and it's illegal. Simple as that. He gets busted and so do you for not telling him to get it the fuck out of the car. It isn't that hard of an idea to understand. The fact you try to squirm your way out by saying "he does it not me", don't mean shit. You knew it was wrong...face the shit that happens. Don't try to bullshit out of it and try throwing dirt on the people arresting ya. I guarantee by the looks of ya alone this wasn't your first arrest. In fact they just confirmed it with your background check.

You're an idiot...go "not" smoke another one and pretend to know what you're talking about. Excuses, excuses...

i love you

Saying it is easy...showing it is a whole other story...

ah hell no, whachu say!?

I don't know what it was today. The colder weather, the rising gas prices, or maybe people had a literal stick up their ass. Customers were grouchy as hell. I am use to this by now, so are all the other cashiers, but dam. My day started so fantastic too! I could have practically skipped into work. Of course that doesn't last long...

"are you open on 31?!"

I was not all the way down to red line even and this woman snaps at me. I notice I have a bad habit of this: I looked to the light, looked at my register, and looked back at the woman. This is the "come on lady the clues are all there". It wasn't even the question though, it's the fact she barks in my face. Look lady I don't know who pissed in your cheerios, but it wasn't me.

"of course, I can help you right here"

Later on this woman comes in with what I can imagine are grand kids. They're 4 of them and 1 of her...poor lady didn't stand a chance. She's pretty much begging them not to run around and climb on everything. Then here comes the oldest kid, a 16 year old girl.

"I'm going to the car"
"I'm almost done, stay here please. I need help"
"I don't want to"
"Please stay with the family"
"I'm 16, I'm grown up. I don't have to, and I don't want to!"

She then walks away as this poor woman has the look of 'just shoot me now'. I'll tell you this much, if I wasn't on that side of the counter I would have told her off. How dare you, you pathetic pig faced little arrogant snot. When I was your age I would have had my ass whooped right there and then. Better yet they would have let me walk outside and LEFT MY ASS THERE. You're an adult because you're 16 and think you know it all? 16 ain't shit bitch, me being 23 ain't shit either so I'm not saying I'm all big and bad. Come back to me when you're almost 30 and I might consider you 'grown up'. The most grown up thing you have done so far is pick out your own clothes to wear every morning. Fuck you, you little cunt. I have no tolerance to mouthy ass brats :)

My day continues on...and my sister walks up. She is behind me at the register NOT IN MY LINE thank you very much. She stops to talk to me a minute, ex husband apparently showed up trying to snatch the kid while I was at work, but that's another blog. So yes we are talking, but I still greet people and do my job. I don't stop and turn around to yak and tell customers to wait (I have seen a cashier do this, INSANE). The guy I'm serving has special requests on how stuff should be bagged and I am following it to a T. After talking to him a few moments I start saying something to my sister again.

"Go right ahead, talk all you want. This is real important."
"Excuse me sir?"
"I said go ahead and talk, this must be so important. Please finish"

I'm not sure how to react, but I chatter a minute more with him, then yes back to my sister so she can leave already. Wanted to get that wrapped up and let her get home.

"You know they are watching you. Those cameras see you and know you're talking."

This stops me dead in my order. "Um...yes sir I know they're cameras"

My sister then says she'll call later. The conversation was only a few sentences longer, it would have been quicker if I just finished it instead of stopping for snide comments. I go back to talking to him and he decides he has nothing to say.   -_-

People, people, people...<sigh> I rather don't care for you much...I'm in the wrong line of work.

I pity da fool

After posting a blog a few days ago (reading is for fools sucka) about me not reading before speaking, I vowed I had learned my lesson. No longer would I just go rambling on before reading the details. I would not be like a customer...but today I did even worse than that day.

I figured this out right about the time I was trying to cram a snickers box in a place that was too small for it to fit on the shelf. An oh so friendly co-worker tells me it doesn't go there. With my stupid ass grin I say oh yes it will, I'll make it fit there. He tells me, no...it doesn't go there, that's the peanut butter snickers spot.

That's a whole nother candy bar and box...<sigh> Tag was right there clearly marked. Square peg round hole. Did I mention I'm blond? It was a long day? I was so hyper I wasn't paying attention to anyone or anything? Well running out of excuses...Angie I swear I'll read first (eventually).

el close-o

I don't know how to be any clearer. The sign "closed" is out in plain sight, my light is turned off, and I am cleaning everything down. Yet some jackass walks up and drops all his stuff down on the belt.

"Can I help you?"

"Just checking out."

<I look up at my light, look to the sign, look at the spray bottle still in my hand>
"Sir I am actually closed."

"Yeah, but I am here now and all my stuff is down."

"I was closed and cleaning before you walked up sir."

"You must just be closing. You can do one more, all the other lines are long."


Hey genius, why are all the others lines full while mine is empty? BECAUSE I AM CLOSED. It is not rocket science here people:
1+1=2
red & blue make purple
light off and sign out means I AM FUCKING CLOSED


My mind is swirling by this time and oh the words I wish I could have spoke out loud. Instead with a grunt I completed his order. I didn't ask how he was since he had so little respect for me. I didn't pack everything all nice and orderly since he showed no consideration as well. I pretty much wanted him to get his shit and get the hell outta my line. Arguing with him would have been pointless, he would have just kept sassing back.

We cashiers are closed and you still expect service? Hey we all have to go home from our jobs sometime. How do you like it when somebody comes by and tells you you're staying extra at work because a moron thinks they are important enough to make you wait?

I'm going to find a mechanic about to clock out for the day and tell him to fix my car. <that rattling noise has been driving me nuts, you can do one more> When I see a McDonald's employee I'm gonna tell her to get her bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me an egg mcmuffin. <lines are too long, I'd rather grab somebody done for the day and make them do it themselves>  A bank teller is getting in her car leaving for the day and I'm gonna tell her to give me $50. <might look like a mugging, I call it "I didn't know she was closed">

reading is for fools sucka!!!

I can't remember how many times customer would fly off the handle when they thought they had been ripped off. At times literally screaming and ranting about the complete "injustice" of it all. Shame, how could we!? Except we didn't rip you off...you just didn't take the time to read.

This mostly happens when they assume we charged them several times over when you can clearly see the item rung up then the very next time it's on there it's followed by a minus sign. This means one came ON and then one came OFF. Sorry if this math a little too complicated for ya, I'll give an example:

movie $5.00
movie $5.00    <oops, here's our mistake, 2 movies on there instead of 1>
movie $5.00-   <oh look now it's "minus" that extra movie we put on>

Moving on since this is not actually the point of today's blog. I mean honestly I could go on and on complaining about customers failure to read the obvious. This however is about me...and my lack of reading the obvious. I was not even aware of this until a fellow worker mentioned how I was acting like a customer...how embarrassing :(

I was working service desk and noticed a rogue receipt. Where did it come from? Who did it belong to? Did we need to keep it? Was it pending? I started out with all these questions and even beyond that when the co-worker said, "did you read it?"...um...no I did not. Just for me to see it was an error correct/voided item, total zero, no items...bah it's just trash. That's when I was informed I behaved like a customer LOL.

Reading is for fools sucka, they don't pay me enough to read!

Save the world bags

I know someone had the best of intentions with these things, but sir I would like you punch you in the crotch. Lets face it these are a nightmare to a cashier. They hold much more so they are heavier, okay I can deal. Customers insist you pack it in a particular way that borders OCD, fine I will do it.

The majority of my complaint is when they are not kept clean. I've been in houses being condemned for having less mold than these bags often have. Others have so much cat hair you could probably knit a sweater out of it all. This makes me think most of these people are lonely cat ladies.

You wanna recycle and make the world a cleaner place: start with brushing Mr. Fluffy and actually wash something. You're all a bunch of hippies, dirty dirty hippies. Go home to your 20 cats, your drum circle, and smoke another one...BAH!!!

NOTE: I know some people can use these bags responsibly, there are far too few of you, but thank you :)

tis the season...

The snow is melting away, the birds are returning, the sun is shining, and people are coming into the store already wearing less and less clothing. My poor eyes had to see everyone finally breaking out the shorts and tanks...people it wasn't pretty. For some it's like riding a bike...others may need assistance.

I'm all for warmer weather and shedding the layers, I partake in it myself. However...<sigh> honestly I just don't wanna see anymore boobs, guts, or cracks...I just don't okay! Don't even get me started on all the muffin tops.

The "oh too small shorts" are shoving the roll up and you decide to wear your "way too short" shirt. People do a mirror check before you step outside please. Say to yourself, "Will this offend anyone, scar them for life, or send children running?". If you say "yes" to any of those you should probably change.

Oh and when your shirt's only purpose it to serve as nipple covers, maybe you should pull it up a little more okay sweetie :) Yes you have tits...we have them too...nothing new there. Who are you trying to impress when you're buying Nacho Doritos and douches? Well then again you probably need all the help you can get.

Men...oh for the love for god it's like you put MORE on as it gets warmer. Mostly speaking this is older men who don't shower as often. It heats up and they are still in layers of sweatshirts and pants. The stench is unholy is what it is.

Which is lesser of the 2 evils, sweaty overdressed men or muffin topped tit flashers? Can I just blind myself now or do I have to be appalled first?

some times you feel like a nut...

...sometimes you don't. For the people I am about to blog about; you are for sure a flippin nut. One person I watch has proved time and time again that not all learn from their mistakes. I'll be more specific; him "falling head over heels in love" after one day of dating this person and wondering why he gets so hurt in the end. Probably cause you're getting way ahead of yourself. You get about as excited as a porcupine meeting a pineapple before you even know the person.

He knows her because she dated his friend (my ex husband...oh joy)...and after sexting and maybe 48 hours later he decides he loves her. Instantly it's all "I love you baby" and "we'll be happy no matter what, other people can shut up". The only reason people have something to say is because we lost track of how many girls you have "loved" and are watching you do it repeatedly. Then after a week (or less) of dating you split and it's WW3. We suddenly switch from hearing how much you love her, to how much of a whore and waste she is. Next thing you know you're talking your depressed suicide talk.

It's so obvious to us around you, but you have no idea. Fucking stop declaring love because your dick gets hard. Any dime a dozen whore can do this, but you don't see people marrying them left and right (sorry whores need love to, no offense). You need to find a connection, get to know each other, "test the waters" personality wise, and see if you can even be in a room with each other without fighting like territorial cats.

Sorry I've been wanting to use this clip for something LOL. Anyway, stop thinking with your dick and grow up. You obviously just made it into puberty with all your dam emotions/hormones. Bah I say, BAH!

this isn't a help line nor a comedy club

I write simply because I can. I have feelings, thoughts, and ideas that sometimes just need to spill out. This is a good place to vent, almost my diary of sorts. I don't have to try to be funny and sure as hell I don't need to be a novelist. Sure I try to throw my lame humor in there, it makes ME laugh. That's all I really need this for is me.

Most of this will be bitching, ranting, and I think I could get offensive if I would stop having second thoughts about posts I soon after delete. Even now I am just complaining. Yeah this would be much more entertaining if I tried oh so hard at it. But then again why would I take it so seriously? Am I making a career out of this, am I being judged (maybe I am but it's online, who's gonna know me), am I being graded on this?? If I manage to write some good ones then kudos to me. If others don't find it inspiring, comment worthy, or get a good laugh then too fucking bad.

I find it funny when someone who always says not to take things so seriously is practically pulling their hair out just trying to get something to sound perfect...silly humans :)

Grady Presents: Real Customers of Genius

                                                   ^Play the music...it adds that touch :)

Today we salute you Miss 'yell as loud as you can'. <Miss yell as loud as you can>

No simply bringing the problem to our attention is far too easy. From the next aisle over, from several departments away, across the other side of the store; you make sure you are heard loud and proud. <That's right a**holes>

It doesn't matter if there is someone on the way to assist, you yell even louder just in case you didn't disturb every single person within earshot. Apparently you should be running the store with real helpful tips like: this should be done sooner and we should schedule more people, <Scream so all can hear>, we don't know what we're doing, we must be stupid, you're all lazy. Not just motivational tips such as those, but screaming rants to make us want to work harder for you. <Reverse psychology>

So here's to you customer of cussing...because while things need to get done, thanks to you we get the entertainment of you making an ass out of yourself in public. <I want to see a manager>

I brake for students...

...no not really. In fact I tend to hit the gas a little. These are COLLEGE students by the way. Don't picture me running down little preschoolers or something...sheesh you people are morbid.

Back to my point, these kids tend to dart out anywhere they want assuming you can and will stop for them. I've seen plenty of close calls and heard of even more. In fact a while back a student was killed when he stepped out in front of a car in the middle of the night. So what does the town do? They install more lighting, redo the sidewalks, repaint crosswalks, add more crosswalks, and even installs a light the students can control to stop traffic if they need to cross. I imagine this cost more than a couple hundred bucks. It had to be done though right, for student safety?

Now what do I still see? They cross wherever they want and whenever. Even when the light says don't cross, they still do. Even if its not a crosswalk they decide to run across 4 lanes of traffic. The worst is the fact I have to stop at a light so awkwardky placed I wanna kick the guy whoever suggested it there. I hope they do get hit when they pull this crap. It'll save their parents a ton of money...like they were gonna graduate anyway (not the brightest cookies).

It's my register I'll cry if I want to (wrote yesterday)

Today I saw almost every type of customer in one shift. I started taking mental notes and before long I was writing actual notes as they came through. What might have been an annoyance became an unrelenting parade of agony. For the love of all that is holy people, don't gang up on me like that. Assign each other days to come in so I know when to avoid you or at least give me a break for sanity. Where do I start...

A friendly enough elderly couple came up to my lane. They had the usual hard candies, laxatives, prescriptions, and ya know what old people buy. Then I see it...KY. For some reason if it's just plain old KY I can dismiss it in my mind. These people had scented, warming, and even flavored. Oh dear lord the thoughts that went through my head (I hate being a visual person). I can't imagine how I looked while my mind was fighting to gain control again. I probably had the look of having an ice cube thrown down the back of my shirt with a little less squirming. After shock of course comes curiosity. Huh...wonder what that's like anyway...oh god why do I wonder...BAH!!!

I had one woman who was two of my least favorite customers. She had way too many items to be going through express. Count to twenty with me people, most 3 year olds can do this even. She was also eating food before paying. Now I understand if you have sugar issues or even if you just open a box of crackers. When it comes to some fruits we need to weigh it. Now a half eaten bag of grapes and a banana peel won't cost near as much as when they are whole. You're not starving, had no medical condition, and had other choices. I consider it stealing...get the hell outta my lane!!!

Now nobody likes to wait for a supervisor to come over, we know. I informed the girl I needed a csm to override and sorry for the wait. The next woman in line lets out a grunt. I look back to see her huffing and puffing. Alright, I'm ready for it, let me have it. "I guess we'll miss your band play, we're gonna be late for sure." I saw the csm, she was only two lanes down and almost done. I said she is right there and is heading over. The beast speaks again, "it's not my fault this store only has two express open in the middle of the day. This is ridiculous." Not leaving soon enough was your fault. In fact it was the shortest wait I ever had yet this woman was outraged. Manage your time better...enough said!!!

I'll continue this another time. I've got more ranting to do...

um...well..wow

I'm in this weird state of "I don't know what I am even thinking in my own mind let alone know what to do" about things going on. One minute happy, the next devastated. Trusting and loyal at times, then completely shut down and paranoid. I always run to something I feel is sturdy, stable, my rock I can 'hold' on to. I find it in many sources and different ways. As I lose one I will gain another or at least I hope. 

I have been clinging to a couple very much lately. One I know now that I lost for good and therefore have been relying heavily on another. I haven't been able to 'access' it though and the more time that passes the more obsessed I get. When I finally do get the chance of course I am over joyed. Then...something happens...my perspective is changed...now I don't know if it's my rock...I don't know what I have anymore. One little thought, comment, action sends me spiraling into a world of doubt.

Enjoy what we do have in this life. Throw caution and doubt to the winds to just be free for once. I can't say I am deeply hurt, maybe just slightly wounded. It stung a bit, but I can move past it. So again I sit here wondering, "what am I doing..."

Tearing away

Music truly impacts my mood. Some never read deep into lyrics, but I always do. I might have been a little down today but after listening to drowning pool I'm about ready to go balistic. Now if I got some feel good happy stuff going I'm sure I'd see the better part of my day more. In fact let me go change it...

Well I'm not sure how this is much of a mood booster, but it calms me. Raindrops keep falling on my head by B J Thomas. This song has been stuck in my head for days now. Its really a good way to look at the shit that has you down. Complaining won't stop your problems and if there is nothing you can do about it why worry. Letting it go will 'set you free and alot let stress to deal with.

I forgot to post customer #4 yesterday. A parent of someone I knew long ago, she asked how I have been. Then asks if I had any kids, peered over at my stomach and said oh yes at least one. Thanks for noticing the weight I never lost from having a child...fuck off :-)
This song has already mellowed me out only after playing it once now and going for round two...I'll be OK...someday and somehow I'll be just fine.

Never stop the rain by complainin'

Today was simply way too long and absurdly annoying at work. From the stinkies to the uncontrolled children, it seemed the day would just be the usual. Then up walk customer of the day #1... She wants to buy a black shirt and a black over shirt. They look almost identical to the ones she already has on, maybe she really likes them. As I am ringing them up she asks me to rip the tags off because she plans to wear them right away. As I do so she unbuttons her over shirt and I see it is soaking wet with some stains. I told her I was sorry she must have spilled something on herself and that I could get her some paper towel. She then tells me, ''no I just threw up all over myself. Quite a mess really. I was even in front of a few people when it happened. I know what it was though...''. She then goes on to describe in detail some bad food she ate and how her stomach was not the only thing unable to be kept under control. Oh god the visual images...dam this vivid mind of mine.

Customer #2 comes driving on up on a scooter, very overweight mind you. She has what I expected; cupcakes, Twinkies, chips, and enough pop to fill a tank at sea world. She can't even wait for me to get done to start tearing into a snack and downing a 20oz. She has 3 kids with her (I wonder how she managed to get laid that many times, I will never understand, moving on) and they ask for a pop. The mother grunts no. They ask to split a candy bar. *grunt no*. They ask for a pack of gum *snort* no I told you*. They are all thin and I mean toss them a hotdog for christ sake thin. Must get it from the dad...but anyway. I just wanted to smack the hell out of this woman. Feed your kids you nasty slob! 


Now #3 is a common customer we deal with. Mr I know this is an express and I am way over, too bad. Normally I would just ring it up anyway and just smile. This guy made it difficult. He was rude and arrogant, for some reason didn't think the rules applied to him. He was just yakking away on his bluetooth, until he looked up long enough to get a look at me. I would pay good money to see a picture of my face at that moment. I was tired and more than annoyed, this guy was getting the short end of the stick. He ended the call and stared at me the rest of the order (all 82 items of it). Ending the order he asked how I could be in such a mood...my good sir you alone give me good enough reason. I shrugged it off as being over tired...now get the hell outta my line. I'm tired, stressed, and needing some chocolate. 

Yes I am complaining. It is a good vent and this is my blog anyway, I'll do what I want LOL. As much as I complain about work it always gives me stories to share with friends and family. You haven't seen it all until you've worked at this store and even now & then I may get surprised :-)

Distraction...

Good distraction can leave us free of pain, while bad distraction gets us a mouth full of whiz. I love this quote and sadly it comes from a movie called Love Guru. Stupidly funny movie that I absolutely love!!! The whole movie is a joke right after another, yet the sayings they come up with make perfect sense. Even though most of the time they quickly follow it with a sexual pun. I bring this up because I try to live by that one quote.

Good distraction: hanging with friends, finding a new hobby, or doing something we love.
Bad distraction: trying to cover the problem, abusing substance to avoid it, or worrying about even more problems.

At first I did not know the difference between good and bad distraction. I thought it was simply whatever it took to stop dwelling on the current issue. I wondered why the situation would get worse when I just wanted to drink it away or sit alone for days on end shutting out the world. I did alot worse and it was clearly all BAD distraction.

Now that I am seeing the difference between the two I feel I am making progress. Today was alot of GOOD distraction for me. Very much needed and so much of a relief. I decided to spoil myself today :-)  freezer full of icecream and a new tablet to play with. Today might have started moody but has ended on a better note.

pick and choose

I was thinking in my crazy mood swings I tend to write very...how do I say this...in a very bitchy/dramatic/whiny tone. Later on I read back and I do not care for it at all. Usually I would just go back and delete it, poof never happened. But it really is a part of me...so I'm thinking I will keep them around. Just ignore them. I'll calm down in a day or two.

Speaking of which I dumped my boyfriend because I still had feelings for the (soon to be ex) husband only for him to tell me he wasn't interested in working on the marriage anymore. So I am alone...back to square one. Of course I am really upset right now...too upset to even rant and rave. I'm not sure what to do now...

may sound harsh, that's life

I don't ever say someone deserves the shit that happens to them. I have had bad shit happen to me. You learn from it or it will happen again. After that point it is YOUR fault. Get your shit together! The world isn't sunshine and rainbows. Never has been, never will be, sooner you realize this the sooner you can avoid horrendous things. I have been taken advantage of when I was under the influence and learned from that situation. However I was also assaulted when I was perfectly sober. Nobody is exempt from this shit. It can happen to anyone at any time. I'll finish this later, I am mostly just angry...

Tats me

I am still sick, this is getting so old. Puts me in quite a cranky mood, but that's why I have't been on much. Anyways, I got a tattoo today with a friend. They are matching and yes it is in fact the batman symbol.

Soon after posting this picture I received messages and texts asking why the hell I would do such a thing?! If anybody knows me they would have noticed my other tattoos. They are all just as random and dare I say uncommon as they come. On their own people would and do say they are ridiculous. That's nice, but they are MINE not yours. They each stand for a person or point in my life. All I have to do is look at one and memories come flooding back.

I have a star on my left forearm. At first I wasn't sure what this meant to me, it was my very first one. It seems pretty plain in fact. After much thought it came to me that this was my independence. I was finally going out on my own, making my own decisions, and starting my life.

I have "LYLAS" on my right forearm. This is matching to my very best friend in the world miss KC. We have known each other for far too long and been through way too much not to have one. It stands for Love You Like A Sister, and that's how we always would sign letters in school. It seemed very fitting to use it on something so permanent.

On my right hip I have two hibiscous flowers with "mahalo" written underneath. This is matching with another 'sister' for life, Judy. We have practically grown up together and been there to cry on each other's shoulders. Even if we go years without talking we know it only takes a phone call to meet up with each other in times of need or just to catch up.

The john deere logo is on my left shoulder blade. This one I have gotten so much grief about, but STFU, not your concern. It reminds me of where I came from and to take what I learn through life as I go. Many times I have gotten thrown off track or caught up in shit I shouldn't have. This reminds me to stay true to myself and to always go back home when things get tough. It's the best place to be when the world seems to change way too fast all around you.

On the right side of my chest I have a cracked black heart. This is from the day I realized my marriage was actually over. It was truly the worst heartache I have ever felt in my life. I will never forget it, it remains forever in my mind just as the tattoo remains on my chest. I hope to learn from this and grow as a person. I may move on, but my heart will never be the same.

The newest is my batman :) for miss Jessy. It suits her just fine and definitely reminds me of her. It is hard for me to make friends that I haven't known for over a decade, but she came in out of nowhere and has won her place in no time. She is one of my closest friends I have had in a long time and already I trust her with everything. She seems to be in the same boat as me at times which helps us connect I think. Either way I know she is there for me just as I would do anything for her.

These are patches of my life permanently 'stitched' on that I proudly wear. This is me, take me as I am or leave me be.

use it or lose it

I will admit I had a good run going there for a while. Now as time goes on I seem to be wearing pretty thin. I try to keep up with what I was doing and how I was feeling, think that's lost again though. Same old thoughts...hmm. Now I remember why I don't trust people so easy, most just let you down. Today was not a good day if you couldn't tell.

do what ya gotta do

I know what I have to do. I lost the closet person to me just because I held onto the past. I know it is sad to say that chapter is ended and I am moving on, but I have too. I was so afraid to before and did not want to hurt anyone. I am hurting those closest by holding on though. I have to admit it to myself: that chapter is gone, I am getting a divorce. My husband and I are not working on things again, it is best if we just remain civil for our daughter. I still love him dearly and will for quite some time if not as long as I live. But I also love the new man in my life, and hurting him has been one of the worst things I have selfishly done.

I wish I could take many things back, but this actually has taught me I need to grow up. Telling people what they want to hear does not make any progress. The truth hurts, but at times it has to be done. I will have to live with how people feel, how they see me, and the consequences of my actions. If they accept me, then I am glad to have them in my life. If they do not, then they will be missed but I have to move on with my life. Sometimes you just have to do what ya gotta do...

there comes a time...

...in your life when you look back on a situation and think "what the fuck was I thinking?!". I am at that point right now. I don't think I have ever been so torn. Why can't somebody just tell me what to do? I obviously can't make my own decisions. I feel like I'm just gonna hurt everyone in the end and ruin everything. Happy mood gone, hopefully I can bring it back soon.

can't make this up

I was sharing stories about work with the family yesterday. They laughed right along with me as I retold these ridiculous accounts of customers at the store. They said there's no way that actually happened. Now if I heard something similar before my current job I would never expect the human race to sink so low. Let's say after almost 2 years at this place I have no hope left in humanity, but I am quite amused everyday. Some of these stories are about how insane people are, how "less than brilliant" they are, and how disgusting they can truly be. Lets start with the first, our smart cookies of the world.

I was on express and it was a good day. I was polite and saw the next customer come up. She was maybe early 40's and seemed nice enough. I scanned all her items through and then told her the total. This is where I wait for payment of some kind. I sat there for a while before I noticed her just staring at the keypad on the other side. I asked if she needed help with anything or if it didn't show anything on the screen. She replied nothing was there. So I instructed her to run her payment though again, it might not have caught it the first time. I look at the screen waiting for debit or credit to pop up: nothing. I asked if it was still giving her issues. She said "yeah this stupid thing is in Mexican". I told her if it was in SPANISH that she could hit the English button on the bottom right to make it go back. I hear some more beeping and she tells me "it's still in Mexican". So I walk over and look. The only thing in 'mexican' was the button saying "Espanol" for Spanish.

The rest was in English saying "please slide card quickly". By now I am thinking we are past that issue and she can use her card no problem. I notice she is now staring down the keypad. I asked again if there was a problem and that it should be asking for a pin number if she wanted debit. She said she didn't want debit so I do what I always do, "hit the red cancel key and when it asks what type hit credit". She is pressing buttons and the beeping I hear is telling me she didn't have a card run through properly. I don't have all day lady so I ask for the card to run it through on my side, maybe there was a problem over there. She looks at me, "What card did you want?". "I just need the card you are trying to pay with, I can scan it over here." "What card?". "Any card you want to pay with ma'am." "I don't want to pay with a card."

Okay lady then why the hell are you expecting the keypad to be doing anything over there. So I ask how she would like to pay. "I want to write a check." Well now I feel like an ass. This woman probably had the check sitting up here waiting for me to run it and I never did. I look around frantic for it and have no luck. I ask if maybe I dropped it or if it was on the floor over there. "No, it's in my purse." <FACEPALM> "Ma'am I need the check first before I can run it through." "Why didn't you say so?" Because I thought my psychic abilities were that good. I could read it through your purse and magically make it go through. Guess I was out of practice.

She fumbles around a bit in a huff because she has to dig it out. I run it, ask if she wants cash back, and it's off. Done...finally...yet she acts annoyed this took so long. Lady, how you managed to survive this long I will never know.

don't fear the worst...

...until it's right there on your doorstep staring you down. Just because you think something might be scary, go wrong, or be upsetting does not mean it really will be. Today I got together with family for my grandmothers memorial in Mt. Pleasant. I was worried about crying in front of family, freaking out with my inability to deal with death, or that I would just be feeling miserable all day. I almost talked myself out of it at the last minute.

What would I have done if I did talk myself into staying home? I would have sat here alone all day feeling sorry for myself. Normally that is exactly what I would do, give into my fears/worries and wonder why I was never happy anymore. I was just holding myself back this whole time. So I told myself to just go and I did.

The car ride over seemed to last forever. We talked about the whole family and what was new. Then we started talking about grandma Schultz. As soon as we started to revisit these memories I could feel it, tears swelling up. I managed to keep them away after much coaxing. Then I noticed all the good times we had with her. Next thing you know the somber car was now filled with people laughing. "Remember when she would...or how about her saying..." :)  Suddenly this wasn't going to be such a bad day after all. I joined in sharing the laughter and stories. I just let go of all the negative I was feeling and said fuck it, enjoy this.

We decided to go to the casino. Sounds odd I know in memory of someone, but grandma did love her casinos. We all agreed we would play $10 in her memory, win or not we didn't care. It was our last time "hanging" with grandma. I lost it all in a matter of minutes and so did the rest of the family (with the exception of cousin Timmy winning $100 when he only played $10, BAH). Before I might have sulked about thinking I wasted money and went home empty handed. Not today, it was fun. We joked more, watched others hit the jackpot, wandered around the gift shop, and just had fun. We didn't even do anything yet we were having fun.

We need food and of course I suggest Applebee's. I was nervous about this even...food? nervous?! The smell of wings and cheese sticks soon made those thoughts disappear. Lunch went by in a flash. Good food and the family all snapping pics of each other.

My dad suggests Jay's, a sporting goods store, as our next destination. It was just a little ways away and we all liked the place, so why not? Again I felt the negative: this is a day of mourning?, I am broke so why look?, even more traveling than I wanted to do?, and just me trying to talk myself out of enjoying it again. Why the hell am I doing this about everything?! We get there and I walk in...talk about a kid in a candy store. I love this place so why was I trying to dodge it? I had a blast, tried on silly hats, checked out new gear, and just relaxed. By this point I was feeling pretty good.

We walk next door to General Jim's, army surplus, hell yeah! They had enough weapons, gear, and uniforms to form a militia. I liked the old stuff best like helmets from WWI and WWII. I tried them on, posted pics to facebook. :)  This was fun and I didn't even hesitate. It came up as an idea and I just went along with it. I did not worry, I did not think negative, and made no attempt to convince myself not to go in.

Long story short, once you start telling yourself there isn't anything to worry about, you won't worry. As you go on they won't even surface anymore and you are left free to do as you truly please. Why fear what may when it may never be anyway? Who said something bad has to happen. Don't waste time on a fear until it's looking you dead in the eye, then you should worry.

YOINK!

I didn't want to do more than one post a day, but I love these questionnaires. I stole this one...

1. Where is your cell phone? never leaves my side

2. Relationship? separated from husband, thanks

3. Your hair? blond originally, letting it grow back

4. Work? as much as I complain about it I rather enjoy it :)

5. Your sister? which one and what about her?

6. Your favorite thing? I have a lot of favorites...little vague there

7. Your dream last night? hmm good one ;)

8. Your favorite drink? mucho mudslide :P

9. Your dream car? a decent truck or my '69 Yenko Camaro

10. The room you’re in? living room

11. Your shoes? my Ariat boots, most I ever spent on clothing of any kind $149

12. Your fears? spiders, small spaces, death, questionnaires with pointless questions

13. What do you want to be in 10 years? stable lol

14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? Jessy and Bill

15. What you’re not good at? math

16. Muffin? blueberry or banana nut

17. One of your wish list items? Dr Who, all seasons 

18. Where you grew up? Morley, MI...15 minutes south of where I am now

19. The last thing you did? I stole this from a blog

20 & 21 Did you notice those were missing? Why no I didn't until I read what Frank said

22. Your pet? fish count right? I have BLT, Carl, Paul, the twins, and Capt Jack.

23. Your computer? HP laptop, it's got flowers on it O_O

24. Your life? half empty, working on changing that

25. Your mood? surprisingly great

26. Missing? my grandmother :(

27. What are you thinking about right now? how much I miss gma

28. Your car? 99 Jeep Laredo/Grand Cherokee

29. Your kitchen? way too small

30. Your summer? didn't do a dam thing

31. Your favorite color? green

32. When is the last time you laughed? earlier while reading a blog

33. Last time you cried? just this morning

34. School? not bad, kept to myself

35. Love? easy enough to find, not easy to forget