Saturday, December 31, 2011

let me see your GRRRR face

I often find I am nicer than my own good. As mentioned I tend to be a pessimist and quite skeptical at times, yet I never second guess people close to me. By close I mean they frequently stop by or ask for things, not necessarily closely bonded with them. I still consider them a friend and would do what I can to help. This also includes my ex husband. Not really friends yet I know these people will be in my life long enough that I better make "nice". Anyway, I bend over backwards for these people time after time. Do I get anything in return? No, I do not expect to and don't care either. However, lashing out at me then expecting the same treatment to continue shouldn't work. It does though. Fuck me over all you want and for some reason I can't find the "mean" in me to tell you off or to even just say no. Maybe I'm too much of  a 'pleaser' seeking approval from those I will never get it from. I just find it rather strange I can't break this cycle when it's so plain to me the truth in it all. I'll sum it up with: what the hell??

Thursday, December 29, 2011

don't worry be happy (admit it you sang it as you read it)

Night time seems to be my prime thinking time. Probably would be better spent for sleeping time, but it is what it is. If those I do share this blog with read this they will learn rather quickly I tend to be pessimistic at best. I know the world is a beautiful place and that wonderous things do happen. There is just as much good as there is bad. Sometimes this just isn't enough. Secretly we all have the one thing in life we strive for. Whether we know it or not it's something we all hope to get out of our own experiences. I am not speaking materials here either. If you don't find it you feel that sense of emptiness. Others had it and lost it are left crushed in the wake. Not saying you won't  find it eventually or again, never did say give up. Or is this just human nature? To want more when we do have something, what's there right in front of us. I have a roof over my head, a job, a car, an adorable daughter, and a boyfriend who loves me. Shouldn't I hold on to these and just run with them? Maybe I shall...fuck the rest, I'm taking this one day at a time, it's all anybody really can do.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

don't hurt yourself

I was trying to force myself to write the other day.  Some can’t seem to find the words making them want to pull their hair out or hitting their head against the nearest hard surface. It then dawned on me that trying to force a writing is like trying to force a crap. If it’s not going to happen, it won’t. Stop pushing already, you’re just  going to end up hurting yourself and wasting your time. Force is by no means a way to productive writing, it hinders your thoughts.

It is best to let it flow as it comes. When you hit a block, work on something else until it comes back to you. Even now as I write this I am bouncing back and forth between Facebook and other activities. Just write what you feel.

A story from Aesop comes to mind. The wind and the sun wanted to have a competition of who could get a traveler to remove his cloak first. The wind tries as much as he could by blowing hard and strong. The traveler wrapped the cloak around himself tightly. The wind threw everything he had at the traveler and the traveler would just grab the cloak even tighter. Just then the sun came out shining its rays so bright. It soon got hot and the traveler gladly threw the cloak off.
Aesop says it best, “persuasion is better than force”.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

another day

Another Christmas, another day...came and went like all the rest. I did find I got the things I have asked for which I am grateful for. I stopped at several homes for large dinners and was sent home with even more cookies than I could eat in a month. All and all what you would call a successful holiday. Yet I find myself sneaking downstairs late at night to sit here alone to think. Was this a truly happy Christmas? I quickly find myself saying no it was not. The material things met only part of my needs. As for the rest I shall go wanting, most likely for the rest of my days merely because I won't take the steps to fulfill them. So to those who spent the holiday with family, friends, and received what they wanted being quite satisfied...I wish you a very Merry Christmas. As for me, I will sit here and reflect like often do, promising myself the year to come will be better than the last.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

a simple orange

A friend was trying to write something and of course it had to be more of a profound writing so to speak. I thought of being helpful, I would try the usual motivational tactics. However in doing this I feel I motivated myself more than I did them any good. 

I found myself at the same block not too long into thinking of what I would write. I tried to brainstorm and think of what options I had which only made it worse. I literally started and soon dismissed fifty writings in my head. This was getting me nowhere fast. We then started discussing writing itself. What we try for, what our expectations were, and authors we like to take after. This brought us eventually to Robert Fulghum and the story of a simple orange. 

Now I have read this before some time ago, yet I enjoyed revisiting it. I was expecting the same reaction I had then, what a nice story and what a sweet moral to it. Yet reading it now isn't me 'learning a life lesson'. It strikes at the heart of me and in an awe insipiring way makes me feel better about life. The rude people, the horrible stories, the awful feelings just seemed to fade into nothingness as if they never exsisted. This simple story, as simple as the orange it was written about, so small as it may be can make a dramatic difference. 

Of course reading this may make no sense. What is this story about an orange and how can an orange amount to any value other than itself? Read the story and you may find out. Then again you may read it and move along as many others have, going on as you always were. Me...I find it to provoking to ignore and not write about. Even now I am at a complete lack of words to describe the "euphoria" it has put me in. The thoughts of others can truly make you reconsider your own that you were once so sure of.