Saturday, January 28, 2012

do what ya gotta do

I know what I have to do. I lost the closet person to me just because I held onto the past. I know it is sad to say that chapter is ended and I am moving on, but I have too. I was so afraid to before and did not want to hurt anyone. I am hurting those closest by holding on though. I have to admit it to myself: that chapter is gone, I am getting a divorce. My husband and I are not working on things again, it is best if we just remain civil for our daughter. I still love him dearly and will for quite some time if not as long as I live. But I also love the new man in my life, and hurting him has been one of the worst things I have selfishly done.

I wish I could take many things back, but this actually has taught me I need to grow up. Telling people what they want to hear does not make any progress. The truth hurts, but at times it has to be done. I will have to live with how people feel, how they see me, and the consequences of my actions. If they accept me, then I am glad to have them in my life. If they do not, then they will be missed but I have to move on with my life. Sometimes you just have to do what ya gotta do...

Thursday, January 26, 2012

there comes a time... your life when you look back on a situation and think "what the fuck was I thinking?!". I am at that point right now. I don't think I have ever been so torn. Why can't somebody just tell me what to do? I obviously can't make my own decisions. I feel like I'm just gonna hurt everyone in the end and ruin everything. Happy mood gone, hopefully I can bring it back soon.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

can't make this up

I was sharing stories about work with the family yesterday. They laughed right along with me as I retold these ridiculous accounts of customers at the store. They said there's no way that actually happened. Now if I heard something similar before my current job I would never expect the human race to sink so low. Let's say after almost 2 years at this place I have no hope left in humanity, but I am quite amused everyday. Some of these stories are about how insane people are, how "less than brilliant" they are, and how disgusting they can truly be. Lets start with the first, our smart cookies of the world.

I was on express and it was a good day. I was polite and saw the next customer come up. She was maybe early 40's and seemed nice enough. I scanned all her items through and then told her the total. This is where I wait for payment of some kind. I sat there for a while before I noticed her just staring at the keypad on the other side. I asked if she needed help with anything or if it didn't show anything on the screen. She replied nothing was there. So I instructed her to run her payment though again, it might not have caught it the first time. I look at the screen waiting for debit or credit to pop up: nothing. I asked if it was still giving her issues. She said "yeah this stupid thing is in Mexican". I told her if it was in SPANISH that she could hit the English button on the bottom right to make it go back. I hear some more beeping and she tells me "it's still in Mexican". So I walk over and look. The only thing in 'mexican' was the button saying "Espanol" for Spanish.

The rest was in English saying "please slide card quickly". By now I am thinking we are past that issue and she can use her card no problem. I notice she is now staring down the keypad. I asked again if there was a problem and that it should be asking for a pin number if she wanted debit. She said she didn't want debit so I do what I always do, "hit the red cancel key and when it asks what type hit credit". She is pressing buttons and the beeping I hear is telling me she didn't have a card run through properly. I don't have all day lady so I ask for the card to run it through on my side, maybe there was a problem over there. She looks at me, "What card did you want?". "I just need the card you are trying to pay with, I can scan it over here." "What card?". "Any card you want to pay with ma'am." "I don't want to pay with a card."

Okay lady then why the hell are you expecting the keypad to be doing anything over there. So I ask how she would like to pay. "I want to write a check." Well now I feel like an ass. This woman probably had the check sitting up here waiting for me to run it and I never did. I look around frantic for it and have no luck. I ask if maybe I dropped it or if it was on the floor over there. "No, it's in my purse." <FACEPALM> "Ma'am I need the check first before I can run it through." "Why didn't you say so?" Because I thought my psychic abilities were that good. I could read it through your purse and magically make it go through. Guess I was out of practice.

She fumbles around a bit in a huff because she has to dig it out. I run it, ask if she wants cash back, and it's off. Done...finally...yet she acts annoyed this took so long. Lady, how you managed to survive this long I will never know.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

don't fear the worst...

...until it's right there on your doorstep staring you down. Just because you think something might be scary, go wrong, or be upsetting does not mean it really will be. Today I got together with family for my grandmothers memorial in Mt. Pleasant. I was worried about crying in front of family, freaking out with my inability to deal with death, or that I would just be feeling miserable all day. I almost talked myself out of it at the last minute.

What would I have done if I did talk myself into staying home? I would have sat here alone all day feeling sorry for myself. Normally that is exactly what I would do, give into my fears/worries and wonder why I was never happy anymore. I was just holding myself back this whole time. So I told myself to just go and I did.

The car ride over seemed to last forever. We talked about the whole family and what was new. Then we started talking about grandma Schultz. As soon as we started to revisit these memories I could feel it, tears swelling up. I managed to keep them away after much coaxing. Then I noticed all the good times we had with her. Next thing you know the somber car was now filled with people laughing. "Remember when she would...or how about her saying..." :)  Suddenly this wasn't going to be such a bad day after all. I joined in sharing the laughter and stories. I just let go of all the negative I was feeling and said fuck it, enjoy this.

We decided to go to the casino. Sounds odd I know in memory of someone, but grandma did love her casinos. We all agreed we would play $10 in her memory, win or not we didn't care. It was our last time "hanging" with grandma. I lost it all in a matter of minutes and so did the rest of the family (with the exception of cousin Timmy winning $100 when he only played $10, BAH). Before I might have sulked about thinking I wasted money and went home empty handed. Not today, it was fun. We joked more, watched others hit the jackpot, wandered around the gift shop, and just had fun. We didn't even do anything yet we were having fun.

We need food and of course I suggest Applebee's. I was nervous about this nervous?! The smell of wings and cheese sticks soon made those thoughts disappear. Lunch went by in a flash. Good food and the family all snapping pics of each other.

My dad suggests Jay's, a sporting goods store, as our next destination. It was just a little ways away and we all liked the place, so why not? Again I felt the negative: this is a day of mourning?, I am broke so why look?, even more traveling than I wanted to do?, and just me trying to talk myself out of enjoying it again. Why the hell am I doing this about everything?! We get there and I walk about a kid in a candy store. I love this place so why was I trying to dodge it? I had a blast, tried on silly hats, checked out new gear, and just relaxed. By this point I was feeling pretty good.

We walk next door to General Jim's, army surplus, hell yeah! They had enough weapons, gear, and uniforms to form a militia. I liked the old stuff best like helmets from WWI and WWII. I tried them on, posted pics to facebook. :)  This was fun and I didn't even hesitate. It came up as an idea and I just went along with it. I did not worry, I did not think negative, and made no attempt to convince myself not to go in.

Long story short, once you start telling yourself there isn't anything to worry about, you won't worry. As you go on they won't even surface anymore and you are left free to do as you truly please. Why fear what may when it may never be anyway? Who said something bad has to happen. Don't waste time on a fear until it's looking you dead in the eye, then you should worry.

Sunday, January 22, 2012


I didn't want to do more than one post a day, but I love these questionnaires. I stole this one...

1. Where is your cell phone? never leaves my side

2. Relationship? separated from husband, thanks

3. Your hair? blond originally, letting it grow back

4. Work? as much as I complain about it I rather enjoy it :)

5. Your sister? which one and what about her?

6. Your favorite thing? I have a lot of favorites...little vague there

7. Your dream last night? hmm good one ;)

8. Your favorite drink? mucho mudslide :P

9. Your dream car? a decent truck or my '69 Yenko Camaro

10. The room you’re in? living room

11. Your shoes? my Ariat boots, most I ever spent on clothing of any kind $149

12. Your fears? spiders, small spaces, death, questionnaires with pointless questions

13. What do you want to be in 10 years? stable lol

14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? Jessy and Bill

15. What you’re not good at? math

16. Muffin? blueberry or banana nut

17. One of your wish list items? Dr Who, all seasons 

18. Where you grew up? Morley, MI...15 minutes south of where I am now

19. The last thing you did? I stole this from a blog

20 & 21 Did you notice those were missing? Why no I didn't until I read what Frank said

22. Your pet? fish count right? I have BLT, Carl, Paul, the twins, and Capt Jack.

23. Your computer? HP laptop, it's got flowers on it O_O

24. Your life? half empty, working on changing that

25. Your mood? surprisingly great

26. Missing? my grandmother :(

27. What are you thinking about right now? how much I miss gma

28. Your car? 99 Jeep Laredo/Grand Cherokee

29. Your kitchen? way too small

30. Your summer? didn't do a dam thing

31. Your favorite color? green

32. When is the last time you laughed? earlier while reading a blog

33. Last time you cried? just this morning

34. School? not bad, kept to myself

35. Love? easy enough to find, not easy to forget

we'll carry on

It's actually a rather good day. I can't describe it, but I am in a mood I haven't been in for quite some time. Bills are due/late, have to go out in the cold just for a few things at the store, sitting home all alone (which use to scare me), a million chores to do (I'm lazy), and a big o' fat exam due in the next 6 hours. Yet I have not got off the couch since waking up. Haven't started on anything.

I am just sitting here listening to music with a goofy ass grin on my face. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. And for once I am content with that. Why rush? Why hurry to get things done? Why stress over any of it? It is what it is, that's life for ya. No need to let it get to you. I chuckle to read what I just wrote. Me saying not to let things get to you?! Amazing :)

You know after this long now I think it is starting to rub off on me. It takes long talks and many posts, not sure when it all started even. It feels like it is finally sinking in...embrace it, stop fighting it. I am happy with me and even going through this ridiculously tough past week has made me see that. It's sad to say something bad has to happen before good comes out of it, but then again it's sometimes just the push we needed.

It's not nice to wish tragedy on anyone, but it can be the wake up call we need at our lowest points in life. This song just came on and seems to fit perfect. "Black Parade" - My Chemical Romance

We'll carry on, we'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone, believe me
Your memory will carry on

On and on we carry through the fears
Disappointed faces of your peers
Take a look at me
'Cause I could not care at all

Won't explain or say I'm sorry
I'm unashamed, I'm gonna show my scar

Saturday, January 21, 2012

you weren't dropped as a child...

...your mother fucking swung you over her head, slammed you head first into the ground, then continued with a celebration dance and yelling "TOUCHDOWN!!!" What is wrong with people!? I ask myself this question almost every single day, not exaggerating. This is more frequent after working the store I admit, but still plenty of other 'special' people out there to go around.

It astounds me how there is no common sense, no common courtesy, and just plain lack of reasoning. How do these people not drown in their cheerios every morning? Probably those little arm float things...water wings ah yes. Moving back to the topic: I don't see how any of those can be called "common" anything anymore. In fact they are rare, so when you find a friend with them you know you have a keeper.

What started this rant...oh let me explain...

I was taking bereavement from work for my grandma's funeral in Alabama, but family down south says there won't be one. This upsets me, but I figure alright I will take my days to try to cope and relax. Then they tell me why they don't want a funeral: they said "bad timing". I thought WTF could be worse than this only to find out my uncle Ken has been in the hospital for a month dying of cancer. This got me thinking: 1. no funeral  2. uncle ken is dying  3. and nobody told me right away, it came days/month after both facts. These are the things I want to know as soon as they are decided or happen. Thanks family.

But oh no, it gets better. The family (here north) decided since there is no funeral we would get together on monday for remembrance. Plans were all set and made, I called in the time off to work. Then family from the south call again...guess what...they just started the funeral for grandma...WTF YOU STUPID SOB's!!?? They did have a funeral, no matter how small, and call us as it starts. We can't change the days off now not to mention Michigan to Alabama drive will take longer than the funeral will last. I am bawling at this point thinking "what is wrong with people?" when I get yet another phone call...

My boyfriend's dad has his dog since at our apartments we are not allowed pets. Well his dad wanted to get rid of the dog so we have been asking around. It's not that easy to just instantly find a home for a large inside dog. I guess today was the day, must have been in the air, but his dad found him a new home...with my boyfriend's ex. Oh yes, his own father giving his dog to an ex girlfriend. So I am crying over my grandma, my uncle, and now my boyfriend having a hard time dealing with that bullshit. I am a wreck. I'm either gonna sob uncontrollably or break somebody's face in.

I might not be able to change anything about death, but to hell if I let his dog go like that. I made some frantic calls and some begging...he is on his way to a better home. I feel better about solving that issue only to get another call. Boyfriend again, his ex wife's new husband was at his dad's when he got the dog. Punches were thrown, words exchanged, pretty much a cluster fuck of "what else can go wrong". Just as I think that rings adviser...

I have exams this week, but a payment is due on my classes. I told them I would have to finish the exams to get credit then take leave for a couple weeks. It'll give me time to save money for payments and to breathe. They tell me they want to drop me from the classes right now until I pay. Which means no exams, I fail, and then I would have to pay for these as well when I came back. OH HELL NO...told him exams were turned in and that I would pay them when I get funds, hung up.

I no longer put the phone down and stood up, then it rings again. My ex has my daughter and she doesn't have any pull-ups/wipes left. How is this my problem? Yet I agree to bring some down that I BOUGHT, good going 'dad-of-the-year'. Yet he was at the bar every other night for the past 2 weeks, priorities my dear, priorities. This is just an annoyance though, I am okay with this. Still upset beyond belief mind you with all of this. I get another call...

My sister gets the built up rage of the starts with me:
"WHAT!? What else can go wrong today? Why are you calling?!"
"I was just seeing how you were?"
"'m okay (lying through my teeth). How have you been?"

She goes on to tell me about school and a hiking group she has joined. She gets to enjoy 60-70 degree weather seeing all the sights of North Carolina. Sounds so nice and peaceful...that's it, I'm moving. Starting over would be good for me at this point. calmed me a bit. Emotions aside I still have to wonder...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!!?? bitch fest over, suck it, I'm out...

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

TELL ME IT ISNT SO - 1/18/2012 RIP

I just got the call that my paternal grandmother (G'ma Schultz) has passed away. It was apparently around 3am this morning, at my aunt Linda's in Titus Alabama. I wish I had said so many things to her before she left, but of course you always figure there's next time. I was very close to her, more than most of my family or friends. People saw her as the grumpy one at times, she always seemed to disapprove. Although she did have some harsh things to say at times, it was to make us better and only because she cared. She did not tend to show emotion much. But I loved her more than I can express.

We'd all hop on out bikes as kids and ride to the end of the street. That was where my grandparents were my whole childhood. Just down the street, being little distance we got to see them often and spent so much time at their place. My family even went on vacation and for that week I wanted to instead stay with them, just me. This helped make me even closer to her.

I am still crying so bear with me if this doesn't come out right or it is me just rambling on. She always had a candy dish of lemonheads that I would sneak into as soon as I got there. At a certain point she caught on and would just hand me the dish and ask if I wanted more. She always had a batch of homemade cookies or donuts waiting for us. I loved her walnut cookies. We would sit in the basement with her and crack the walnuts by hand. These were the walnuts we collected by hand from the trees out back with her.

Typical grandma always having sweets lined up for us. Her zucchini bread was even more amazing than her cookies, of course with walnuts in it. And don't even get me started on Thanksgiving. I know everyone thinks their grandma makes the best gravy, but MINE TOTALLY DOES. I would love the holiday with her. She spent hours and hours on a feast. Her potatoes and gravy were the best part of the whole meal. I always wanted to learn how to make her gravy. Mine never turned out like hers. Now I will never know how.

She did get to meet my daughter though. She only saw her a few times which saddens me. But Kaitlyn really liked grandma without even knowing her much. She always wanted to run up to her and chat away. My thoughts are randomly going to jump around, I'm typing as I'm thinking.

I remember watching I Love Lucy with her. She got me started on the classic old black and white shows. I would sit with her for hours watching reruns over and over. I loved this time we had even if I knew every line to the episode we were watching.

I remember, a clock with a rose sealed in a glass case above it. How I always wanted to play with this. The rose petals would light up and play music as it spun around. She always hated me touching it, thought I would break it since it was a gift from a dear friend. I understood and so I took very good care not to be reckless. Still now I can picture it in my head, almost like a dream. I can smell her baking cookies, I'm laying on that fuzzy old brown carpet between the living room and kitchen, watching this clock that I set on the floor right in front of my face.

I miss you grandma, I always have and always will. May you find peace and be in a better place. I love so so much...oh so very much...

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

dear diary

It's funny at times how we can be so certain of what we want until it is right in front of our faces. The opportunity presents itself and what do we do? Freeze up, ignore it, fumble big time. I know this doesn't apply to everyone. Some people are just spunky, grab the bull by the horns. This speaks more to reserved people like me.

Is it that I don't want it? Nah, of course I do. Is it that I am afraid? Possibly, but what is there to be afraid of. Would this be too much change? I doubt it since I don't make drastic changes.often This applies to everything in my life. Once in a lifetime moments come and go. I don't speak up even though I'm shouting inside. "It would be awesome and worth it, just go for it!!!" yet I do nothing. Back to my usual drudgery. You know is that even a word? It just came to me, but moving on.

What separates us that are not willing and those who take the leap? I tried explaining my own insecurities to a friend the other night. I went back to read the argument only to end up agreeing with him. *yes i agree with you, don't rub it in* What I had said did not make sense to me even. So I had to read it again.

These insecurities are apparently just made up it seems. When it boils down I do like me, so why hold myself back? The only thing I can think of is it gives me attention, usual a lot too. this self realization gonna change my life? LOL no...I see it, I know it's there, and yet I most likely won't change a thing. I still don't get that, but it is what it is.

*if you expect anything thought provoking or entertaining out of this blog: it is more for myself as a journal. It's helping me deal with a lot going on right now*

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

don't drop the really need it

I know as a cashier we always have fun little things to complain about. The break room is usually filled with laughter or venting over idiots who come through.

The people that load their carts to the rim and tell you (once it is all on the belt) that they only have $50 left on their card, they think they might be cutting it close <eyes roll>. The people that insist on getting that extra 2 cents off their order when it didn't ring up right, even if they have to yell it out of you. Here's a whole dollar out of my pocket to get the hell outta my line. But nothing compares to the nasty ass people who forgot how to scrub their own asses.

I can deal with bitchy people, I can handle tech issues, and I can even deal with people sneezing on money as they hand it to me (diseases, how thoughtful of you to share). I can NOT handle people who smell. I don't mean the ones that fart and try to stand there all coy. Yes we can smell it and we know you did it. I mean the ones that make me hold my breath until they are gone and then gasp for air.

Do you honestly not smell yourself? Has nobody ever had the urge to say "dam you stink"? I can't mention it since I am paid to be polite and put up with your bullshit. Where are these peoples' friends or family? Do they just ignore it, or maybe they are just as putrid?

I imagine, as I am slowly suffocating, pushing them down and hosing them off. I often hope someone comes by with air freshener, better yet at times if they do have something pretty smelling I will spray it myself. I say "oops I bumped the button", but I obviously did it as a favor to us who are still living. I dam near spray myself in the face with Lysol almost once a week just to get away from their stench. Once I had to excuse myself to go throw up then come back to finish the order. gets that bad for those of you who don't have to deal with this.

The store should have a showering facility for those customers. We'll cattle prod them in there if we have to.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Dr Who??

I always say my life is so screwed up and I have ever so much to complain about. I am not the happiest of people, let's call me a realist. Moving on, people always seem to ask me for advice. Rather odd asking someone who's still digging how to get out of a hole.

I try where I can and people actually tell me I must really know what I am talking about. This is either from experience or a good observation. Some people and situations are predictable and therefore the answer is easy to deduce. This makes me think why don't I take my own advice? Where does the shrink get their therapy? Well when I think about it I actually found one.

A place to get my own answers and bounce ideas with. Funny I didn't think of them sooner. Thank you so much! I know I am whiny and a downer most of the time, but you listen. Then you follow it up with an epic joke or cheap laugh. It might seem like mindless rambling to you during late night chats, but you really save me in your own way. You truly give me something to smile about at the end of the day. I can never express how much I appreciate it.

Maybe you'll get the hint that this is about you, or maybe not lol. Either way thanks again. Night :)

Monday, January 9, 2012

people's what I do

The last post was very rushed and in no way something I deem good writing. It was more of a impulsive bitch fest since I was so sick and upset. Still sick mind you, but not near as dramatic about it. Anyway, I was gonna say something on people watching.

I was always quiet growing up, very shy, would rather hide than stand out. Doing this kinda makes you an outsider yet at the same time you learn to know people very well. I would sit by myself and just watch everyone else, making little observations here and there. Call me an eavesdropper, but if they didn't want it known they should have talked quieter. :)

I stopped doing this after a while. I wanted to actually be considered part of the group and so I started to join in. Now years later I find myself back at the first stage. I like to just sit back and watch the train wrecks that unfold day after work. I truly believe it was work that led me back to my people watching ways. I cannot say what's on my mind, only smile and nod. So I just pay extra attention now.

I watch as the younger woman scolds her elderly mother who just wants to help and be of some use. She's 80 some odd years old and in a wheelchair and is still trying to throw stuff up there. Instead her daughter yells at her, tells her she's gonna leave her home next time. You can actually see the old woman's life slowly seep from her. This must be one of the few things she gets to do let along going out anymore...and she's told to just sit there quietly. The woman then complains how much of a burden she is and how she won't be taking her out again.

All I could do for the rest of the order was stare at the old woman. She still had life...she wanted to use it anyway she could. Even now I can still feel her sadness. What an age we live in where we are told simply to lay down and die...quietly so not to disturb the others.

If I had the option of bitching this woman out I would have. It's rare for me to genuinely feel sorry for someone to the point it makes me go home and cry. Do me a favor, when I turn 80 just shoot me...

Saturday, January 7, 2012

just finish me off...BAH

Go to the doc, they say i have an infection. simple enough; take this, come back in a week, all good. Except i go back and its not all gone, so take some more and go home. Take one more dose and off to the ER i go. I suddenly developed a reaction to it. hives all over, red itchy patches, scratchy throat, burning hands, and it kept getting worse. got that all under control just to end up giving me more medicine plus 2 other perscriptions. at this point i'm about to tell them to drag me out back and finish me off old yeller style. I hate medicine, i hate hospitals, and ive been doing this the past 2-3 weeks. why am i telling you this? Because I am simply stating I have no faith in the medical field. One med says no dairy, the other says drink a glass of milk with it. One says take with food and the other says do not eat when you take the dose, it'll make you sick...pills suck. Im going back to just riding it out and just taking the one i really need. ill deal with hives...