Monday, May 28, 2012

f*cked up situation

"never trade trust for lust"...just found this song online, and it's crazy how the lyrics remind me of something...that line I began with says it all...


I bend over backward trying to show affection. I miss you, I love you, and I think of you often. I want to call you up to just see how your day is going and to simply hear your voice. It makes me feel close to you. I don't mind spending what little money I have on you, because you mean that much to me. I may think the gifts themselves are pointless since I have no use for them, but to you they mean something.

All I want in return is to be be loved and shown the same respect. Yet I get nothing...I fucking love flowers, do you hear me? Fucking love them!! How my day will turn around just to have a nice vase of flowers in my dam apartment. It cheers me up and reminds me that you are thinking of me. Instead I hear how pointless they are as a gift.

When I call it's as if you don't want to tie up the line and just get straight to the facts. You ever think I wanna talk to you for the sake of talking? How'd your day go? What ya doin today? How's the family? But's cold, it's "what now?", as if you're not wanting to deal with my call.

Do you know how sad this makes alone I everyday I think I pretty much have you know how much it fucking hurts to love someone so deeply and to feel like nothing but a side note in your life...I would do anything for you...but I know you won't do the same...

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

i use to run to you... i want to run from you. It's so odd how you once saw someone as that great person that could do no wrong. Then you get that sudden dose of reality. I don't really know how to act anymore around you. I can be nice, friendly, making jokes...and get nothing. I can ignore, be rude, or just be cold...and I don't even get anything negative. reaction, no emotion, no response...just nothing. Now I wonder what the hell did I ever do to you? Yet the fact is simple...I did NOTHING to you. You simply got bored with me and moved on just as quick.

How do you consider yourself so superior to simply throw people aside? Does that incredible logic of yours stop whenever it comes to common courtesy or other people's feelings? I cannot undo what I have seen, what I have heard, and what I now know...and for that I will never see you the same. I can try and lie to say it doesn't hurt. I'd say I merely brushed it off and moved on with my day. But ya know does hurt, it fucking hurts almost everyday. The worst part is the fact I can't shut it off.

I know at times I can piss people off and offend them. I'll say things I don't mean and yes in my life I have done wrong to others. I can't say I'm perfect, nobody can obviously. But to play with others emotions/thoughts/life, so meaningless to you, can have a world of difference to them.

I can't really vent much on this subject other than what I just you even think of me anymore? do you think of any of them anymore? I just wonder what goes on in that mind...or maybe I'd be too disgusted to want to know.

how are we dont even spare the time to tell me to get lost...

worst day of details

Today I can't even describe the hurt. Not only does work fuck me over, but people that I thought had some decency turn out like the rest. I have let so many little things go that now they have all piled on me. I am sick of being lectured, coached, and wrote up. Somethings I should have fought and bitched about like so many others do. Instead I don't want to cause an issue. So I take the consequences regardless figuring it'll be at least over with.

I need my job, I truly do, but there comes a time when you need to stand up for yourself. I might get annoying at work, I may talk a lot, I may forget to take my tongue ring out (cuz heaven forbid some customer should see it <eyes roll>), but in no way am I a bad worker. I do it very well, in good time, and at one point I had no shame to say where I work. I did my work with pride knowing I provided for my family and did nothing shameful in the process. But I see how others work, stepping on all those around to get their way.

If I am this close to being fired over others' idiotic actions, then so be it...but I sure as hell won't go without having at least my last words in. It is others who gave me false information, if was others who literally took from my til just so they won't have a complaint, it was others who had me actually believe/trust in them...only for me to see they're just a kid on a power trip.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Its one word!!

If customers tell me the screen is in spanish because the "espanol" button is showing, one more time, I'm gonna lose it!!! The rest of the screen is in english telling you to swipe your card, enter your pin, and do you want cash back. Sounds english to me. Bah people, Bah I say!!!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

laws of the universe #1(LOU#1)

There are plenty of things I have seen over and over in my lifetime to say that it is a law of the universe. This is the first blog of this, hope to keep this going. Today's law:

If you are taken, they will come...

If you are single your life seems lonely. Nobody seems to care or want to be with you. It gets rather depressing very quickly. Then you meet someone, you start dating, and things are going good. That is when they strike. Suddenly men come pouring out of the woodworks that want you. Why? I recall being single quite a while there and not so much as a "hi lets hang out". Now you add a boyfriend to that equation and everybody and their cousin too wants in on ya.

Cruel universe...cruel...

Monday, May 7, 2012

stupid is as stupid does

It's a question that has been thought about since the dawn of man. Why? Seems simple enough right? Why anything? I have been trying to write a decent post for days and haven't had much 'inspiration'. However, several days at service desk has given me at least a little bit to rant about.

Why do people say they want to return their fish tank because of a faulty part yet sound completely confused when I say they need to bring it in to return it? Then ask me "I'd have to empty it then huh?" I hope to god you don't try to haul 30 gallons of water fully stocked with fish and decorations in here -_-

Why do people, who say their fish died and want a refund, offer to draw me what they look like rather than bring them in? Yes it is icky to keep dead fish, it's also bull to tell me to give you money for nothing, habeas corpus

Why do you think your TV suddenly shorted out or stopped working when it smells like your cat has died inside it? Do a head count on your cats you crazy cat people!

Why do you bring me a vacuum off the shelf to replace your broken one when you didn't even bring in the one you are trying to replace? Are you shittin me lady? Bring in the old, then we can give you the new, somebody missed their Wheaties this morning...

Why when I tell you that you purchased the item passed the 90 day return policy you rip up the receipt then ask "Now what? How do you know it's passed the 90 days?" -_- Because I just read it Einstein.

Why when I didn't hear you mumble the first time you just grunt the second time around? If I ask you to repeat it again will you squeal as you resort back to the man-bear-pig you are?

Why?! WHY YOU FLIPPIN TWAT, do you insist barking orders at me to get something done? I question you one time and you bark "MANAGER"? Fuck you cunt, go home and wash your ass for once, enough said.

Sorry a little anger on that one, need to go back to happy, um....Why are kittens fluffy? There, happy enough? Moving on...

Why when the reader doesn't catch your card and I ask to scan it on my side, you hold on to it for dear life like I am mugging you? By the way saying "no I've got it" and sliding it faster and faster won't make it work much better.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY why do you think the reader is in Spanish just because a small button in the corner says "Espanol"? The rest of the screen is already in English and clearly tells you what to do!!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

over and over

i wrote this poem when i first split with my husband and tonight i feel this feeling flooding back:

i wanna scream
i wanna cry
i wanna drink
i wanna die...
stop the memories
stop the pain
just make it all
go away...
of course i lie
i say im fine
why go on
just wasting time...

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

cut my life into pieces

I know I don't always make the best choices, I know I am not the smartest person, and I know that at times it's hard to see things from a different point of view. However, one thing I do know is my past. I have always had a hard time dealing with great emotional stress, call it my weakness. Now many of you will not like this...but I would cut to deal. It's not a big secret, I have scars all over my arms. Some faded to the point you won't see them unless you look for them, while others are fresh and people assume I was mauled by a cat -_-

It is a part of me. I won't lie and I won't hide it, it's me. I know a few others like me and we definitely are there to support each other so we eventually don't need to do this anymore. I'm not bragging, seriously, this isn't cool and I know it. BUT, telling me I am stupid for doing it, calling me a dumbass, or trying to argue with me on all the ways it is wrong will only get one result: me pissed. That's like you crying because you are stressed and I tell you you're a big fucking baby and to get the hell over it. is...say it is not even close if you want. If you don't cut you don't get it, you never will.

I have never been rewarded for this behavior, whether someone thinks I have been "pampered" because of it. I have people who flat out refuse to have me in their life because of it, I accept that. Thinking I do this for attention is just asinine. "Look at me I cut myself!" seriously??? Nobody comes running to our rescue, we just ask that when we tell people this is what we do that they don't turn on us like everyone else. We only tell those we love or trust. And to have them judge one of the lowest blows...