Tuesday, January 24, 2012

don't fear the worst...

...until it's right there on your doorstep staring you down. Just because you think something might be scary, go wrong, or be upsetting does not mean it really will be. Today I got together with family for my grandmothers memorial in Mt. Pleasant. I was worried about crying in front of family, freaking out with my inability to deal with death, or that I would just be feeling miserable all day. I almost talked myself out of it at the last minute.

What would I have done if I did talk myself into staying home? I would have sat here alone all day feeling sorry for myself. Normally that is exactly what I would do, give into my fears/worries and wonder why I was never happy anymore. I was just holding myself back this whole time. So I told myself to just go and I did.

The car ride over seemed to last forever. We talked about the whole family and what was new. Then we started talking about grandma Schultz. As soon as we started to revisit these memories I could feel it, tears swelling up. I managed to keep them away after much coaxing. Then I noticed all the good times we had with her. Next thing you know the somber car was now filled with people laughing. "Remember when she would...or how about her saying..." :)  Suddenly this wasn't going to be such a bad day after all. I joined in sharing the laughter and stories. I just let go of all the negative I was feeling and said fuck it, enjoy this.

We decided to go to the casino. Sounds odd I know in memory of someone, but grandma did love her casinos. We all agreed we would play $10 in her memory, win or not we didn't care. It was our last time "hanging" with grandma. I lost it all in a matter of minutes and so did the rest of the family (with the exception of cousin Timmy winning $100 when he only played $10, BAH). Before I might have sulked about thinking I wasted money and went home empty handed. Not today, it was fun. We joked more, watched others hit the jackpot, wandered around the gift shop, and just had fun. We didn't even do anything yet we were having fun.

We need food and of course I suggest Applebee's. I was nervous about this even...food? nervous?! The smell of wings and cheese sticks soon made those thoughts disappear. Lunch went by in a flash. Good food and the family all snapping pics of each other.

My dad suggests Jay's, a sporting goods store, as our next destination. It was just a little ways away and we all liked the place, so why not? Again I felt the negative: this is a day of mourning?, I am broke so why look?, even more traveling than I wanted to do?, and just me trying to talk myself out of enjoying it again. Why the hell am I doing this about everything?! We get there and I walk in...talk about a kid in a candy store. I love this place so why was I trying to dodge it? I had a blast, tried on silly hats, checked out new gear, and just relaxed. By this point I was feeling pretty good.

We walk next door to General Jim's, army surplus, hell yeah! They had enough weapons, gear, and uniforms to form a militia. I liked the old stuff best like helmets from WWI and WWII. I tried them on, posted pics to facebook. :)  This was fun and I didn't even hesitate. It came up as an idea and I just went along with it. I did not worry, I did not think negative, and made no attempt to convince myself not to go in.

Long story short, once you start telling yourself there isn't anything to worry about, you won't worry. As you go on they won't even surface anymore and you are left free to do as you truly please. Why fear what may when it may never be anyway? Who said something bad has to happen. Don't waste time on a fear until it's looking you dead in the eye, then you should worry.

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