Thursday, April 12, 2012

bad bad bad night

I did it, it's all my fault. I use to rationalize it anyway I could. There is no lying to myself...I am the reason for all this pain. I am the reason for so much shit happening in peoples' lives around me. If I had never did what I did things would be how they should be. I sit here crying...not knowing what to do. Either choice has its downfall, its rewards, its compromise.

People say the answer is simple enough, what makes you happy? The thing is I don't know. Sure I have a general idea. I want what most want: happiness, health, stability, love, and the usual. But the means to come about it are completely foreign to me. Do I stay as I am being content? Do I take a step back and try to fix what I once thought was un-fixable? Or do I take a new route never taken before?

It gets very overwhelming too fast and I'd rather put it out of my mind. That doesn't solve the problem, I just keep pushing it back. It surfaces now and then in violent unpredictable waves. One minute I am fine...the next I want to cry until I pass out.

Sometimes I wonder if I had stayed home instead of going that day how different things would be...

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