Monday, April 16, 2012

bottom of the bottle

It's one of those dips in my mood again, and the roller coaster continues. I pull myself up, you can see it in my posts. I may be bitching, but you can see my humor in there. The last few posts just have my feeling of sadness in them. I can tell when I read them again.

I try different things each time around. Nothing seems to relieve it much. I tend to destroy myself a little in the process. All in the name of my sanity, eh? I just feel so torn lately. I feel one way and think another. I can rationally think something out, then dam emotions get in the way. They in turn change my mind...but the emotions become confused and tangled. I wish I could write exactly how I feel, but it's hard for me to describe.

Feels like a few good friends which I rely on strongly have faded. Sure I know they are there, but it's like they can't even touch me while I'm in this haze. Picture yourself in a very dimly lit room filled with smoke. You can just make out the people as they pass within feet of you. You reach out asking for help and they look up as if they think they might have heard something, but are not sure. So they keep going. I can literally picture it in my head how it feels. Kinda haunting in a way...awful dreary.

Why don't I find the excitement in life like others do? I often wonder this, why they seem so cheery. Just as a friend told me they don't understand how I can be 'down' all the time, I don't understand how they can be 'up' all the time.

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